Autism and vaccinations and cures

2 days ago I was shock to read a tweet from actor Jim Carrey that said there was Very important news and linked to a website with a article that stated that Autism was caused by Vaccinations. I know that sientist have never proofed that there is such a connection between the two.

I have done some looking around as where these ideas came from and found that in 1998 there was a British report that said that there was a noticeable connection  between the rise in diagnosed children with autism and vaccination. there where studies all over the world into this matter but every single one concluded that there was no relationship between the two.  even in Japan they stopped the life saving vaccinations but the number of children diagnosed with autism kept raising. most of the people who wrote the first article retracted there opinion and even said it never should have been published in the first place.

even with science telling that there is no connection there are some who keep believing otherwise, there are also parents who believe this and in this there lies the danger. because dangerous diseases are given a change when parents don’t vaccinate there children, these diseases are deadly (that why there are vaccinations for them) or leave them disabled for the rest of there life. they become the victims of parents who are not unloving but just unknowing.

there are also “treatments” who say they can completely cure autism with homoeopathic drugs  that would erase the imprints of vaccinations  and other “causes”. this is in my opinion a load of crap, or even better put a scam on people who are desperate for a cure. even I couldn’t resist thinking for a sec or two what if ? but then I started thinking again.  these so called medicine is made by extremely diluting a herb or other substance – that in there pure form would give similar symptoms as the  disease the person suffers from – the dilution is so extreme that there isn’t a molecule from the original substances to be found in the end product. the most common dilution is the one that is diluted 60X this means: on average, this would require giving two billion doses per second to six billion people for 4 billion years to deliver a single molecule of the original material to any patient. the theory behind this is that the property that makes it work is transferred to the solvent. to me that sounds utterly insane. I wouldn’t mind it much if it didn’t harm anyone but it does  because there are people who don’t see a doctor about illnesses and there is the financial side because you can trust that these so called cures don’t come cheap.

happy single ?

I am as you may or may not know single and have been all my life. I am 22 years old and never had a meaningful relationship with another human and I wonder if that will stay that way.

maybe the way I most suffer from my condition is my inability to have these relationships. I have real trouble connecting with people and also a great fear of intimacy, what practically means that I not often meet people and when there is someone interested enough in me to maybe become something real then I run for the hills.

the downside is that I do have a need for connection with others and I do get very lonely when there is no one here or I just don’t feel that there here .  in the past there have been a very few who where intrested in me but I got scared and pushed then as far away as I could, when fear takes over that is all there is on my mind, then it doesn’t matter how lonely I end up.

I know there are a lot of lovely people that I know over the internet and it  is lovely to have them there but its not the same as having someone physicality here, sitting on the sofa on lying in bed with me.

all I want is to feel completely save and warm in someone’s arms at night, just to be loved and to love like others do, is that to much to ask??

I suppose it is.

Dear Morgan,

first I have to confess that I am not all that familiar with your work, to be honest the only times that you have caught my attention is when you decided to attack Mr. Stephen fry and the people that love him and his work.

Don’t you think that it is a bit low to attack someone that only is kind to others. I can understand that you might feel threatened by someone that is as multi-talented and loved as he is but that is no reason to be nasty.

I said already that I don’t know the rest of your work but I have been told that your not very loved by the people and I think the reason for this is because in your columns you only moan about the world and little the people greater then you. this might be good for sales but isn’t very good for the soul.

you should try to learn from Mr. Fry  instead of attacking. its not easy but if you try really try to be more fluffy, I think you can be a pretty good guy.

criticism

I have to confess that I am not all that well at taking bad criticism and I like to explain why.

it doesn’t matter if the critique  is constructive and  sincere or just bully-like the only thing I will get from it at the time that it is been given to me is: your not good enough, you suck. and that is painful mostly because I really take it then as truth.  this doesn’t make my reaction on critique very nice, I seem defensive or worse indifferent because I am trying to protect myself from feeling like a complete loser. I also can’t separate  critique on my work from  critique on me as a person. take a example someone saying: that text isn’t really good, I think you can do better. then I  hear, this is rubbish and so are you! I can’t help it. I am not stupid I know that is not what they mean but it does feel that way and it is a feeling that I can’t seem to control.

I wish I was better in complements, giving them is no problem of course but taking them, I never been able to just take a complement as anything but a lie that someone tells me to be kind. I have in the past called people liars because they said something nice about me. it feels good for about a second and then something in my head kicks in telling me that it isn’t true and I am a fool for believing it.

I have always been like this even  as a child. I remember a teacher trying to make me accept a complement and I just wouldn’t because it really didn’t feel right.

I have a dream of becoming a writer but this thing makes it all that much scarier because I really think that with something so close to me heart that it could really destroy me if anyone said it was anything bad. even when the rest of the world said it is the best ever I will just have in my head that one bad comment, playing over and over in my head, and depressing me for weeks maybe even longer. I am not sure I can risk that, I don’t think I am brave enough.

the deleted wikipage

I made a wikipage on the subject of the Fluffettes but it has been deleted in a hurry. so now I post the text here.

The definition of a Fluffette is a person that is a (active)member of the official Stephen Fry forum and is following him on twitter. they are a group of loyal fans of Stephen Fry the name Fluffette became more known when Stephen Fry tweeted that he was happy with the Christmas present they made and sent to him.

History

on the 9th of October 2008,Stephen fry linked his twitter updates to his official website[1]the active members of the form fast noticed, joined the micro-blogging site and followed Mr Fry. stephen Fry’s number of followers and people he followed was rising fast and the members of the forum decided it was a good idea to have a name to be noticed by there hero in the crowed. so there was a short period of brainstorming on twitter and on October the 12th there was opened a topic on the Forum ‘The Twitter crew: what to be called ?’ with a option to vote for a Name out of the suggestions made on the brainstorm on Twitter. the voting closed on October the 14th and the winner was ‘The Fluffettes’.

from forum member to fluffette

when Stephen fry Joined twitter a couple things changed for his fans, the most important change was the option to have direct contact with Stephen Fry though tweets and Direct Messages, the difference from the forum was that this contact could be a 2 way street as he also at times answered there tweets. the form members also use twitter as a more direct way to talk to one other (as if it is a chatprogram) this created a even stronger connection with one other as the fluffettes.

now there is a way to get Mr. Fry’s direct attention, the idea to do something for him wasn’t a strange one. so there have been projects set up for special occasions as his Birthday,and Christmas. these are artworks made by the group and sent either digitally through twitter or physical to his agents office (Stephen fry’s own address is unknown for privacy and safety reasons) where he could pick it up. on this projects he has responded to individuals though direct messages and on the forum. on the latest Christmas project he also responded in a public tweet mentioning the Fluffettes and showing photo’s from the piece of art.

language

when the forum members went to twitter, they brought with them a couple words that they used there and are not very known to other people.

glomp or glomping: a glomp can only be described as something between a tackle and a hug, one pushes the person being glomped on the ground wile hugging them. this is a expression of extreme kindness and is probably more acceptable online then it is in the real world.

squee : a expressing of Joy or a reaction on something very cute. the word can be written with more e’s on the end, the rule is the more e’s the greater the excitement. the word squee is better known then glomp

pain

first I want to make clear that I am on no way a professional in pretty much anything, what I say is just what I think about it.

pain isn’t 1 thing, its like a twin genetic identical but still not the same. you have physical pain (physo) who is direct, specific and often helpful and then you have emotional pain (emo) who is nagging, diverse and needs a bit more attention but it can be helpful in his own way. now imagine that emo is retarded, it can’t say where it hurts, how it exactly feels, is often overreacting. so your often in pain over nothing and if it is something its hard to tell what.

physo is the lucky kind of brother because he isn’t just smarter but he is also better liked by most because he is annoying but knows what he does and goes away as soon as the cause is fixed.  I told you before that emo is divers and by that I mean that he manifest not only as what he is a kind of pain but also as random anxiety or anger by example. its clear that its very hard to live with a retarded emo  but you can’t get just rid of him he is part of you. so what do you do?

well there is a way to let psyso push him away for a wile, I am talking about hurting yourself physical to stop emotional pain.  its not about liking pain its about avoiding his retarded little brother who is just worse and doesn’t know when to quit. and it is often when both brothers are screaming they somehow cancel each other out, there is no pain in that moment, a moment of rest. often the first moment in a long long time.  I am advising to selfharm no way or to romanise it but I am trying to explain it. people that self harm are not crazy, just in a lot of pain.

so what to do if you suspect or know that someone is harming one self? the first reaction is often anger especially if its someone that you care a lot about. it is like parents when there kid has been missing for a little wile and found the stress and worry releases in anger: never do that again! and then comes the I love you *hug*.  I think a first reaction is just that and can’t be defined as wrong or right, its not that simple. of course getting angry with someone that is already in emotional pain isn’t very helpful. I mean it doesn’t take a genius to know that such a reaction can make someone feel worse and then the need to escape from emo gets stronger.

the solution lies in getting some help to get rid of emo in a bit more friendlier way, a doctor can help with this but don’t be suprised if the person doesn’t want to go to one, there is a stigma and asking for help is never easy. also if emo is really retarded, it can be that the person believes that he/she is beyond help because who can help if its not even clear what is wrong ?

I hope that I am making any sense with  metaphors that remind even me of Dr House. again this is just thoughts on the subject from little me.

going back after a break

this time its going back to work after a 2 week holiday but its always like this. it was with school and even after-school activities.  if I’m gone for a wile its very hard for me to go back, it feels like going for the very first time again.  there is no reasonable explanation for it, its just the way it is.

I am anxious, will take any excuse not to go tomorrow. this time its a bit worse then most times because the last time my colleges saw me I was leaving a party early.  I absolutely hate that I get like this, I hate it and can’t help it even a little bit and its not getting easier (many people say that it does but it doesn’t) its hell, every time again and this is one of these things that makes me so tired of my condition, makes me feel helpless.

I wish I had the words to explain how difficult it is to reconnect I suppose with these people, its even harder then meeting them for the first time because they do expect that its all like old times and it normally is, just not with me.  I am out of practise to have simple conversations with these people, too report on work that I did, to discuss anything. for most people this is like riding a bicycle once learned you can always do it, even after years you can get back on a bike and just go without thinking. I have to find my balance again and learn once more how to go in a straight line, I might even fall a few times. yes I will get it again, not sure how long it takes can be just a few hours but that will be the long hours. often I wonder if its worth it.

happy new year

happy new year to everyone,  hope you all got through the year-change with minor damaged to head and liver.  also wishing everyone the very best for 2010

partymadness

I have complained away on twitter about party’s and I feel like explaining myself. I understand that people don’t understand what is so bad about them, it is suppose to be fun. that is the whole point of having a party.

the last party/calibration that I went to was one of the worse kind, a office-party. the company where I work for calibrated there 10 year anniversary and I was made clear that not coming wasn’t a real option.  it was important for me that I did this well and came over as somewhat “normal”, that pressure didn’t help at all of course. these social events are difficult for me because I don’t really know what to do then. I can’t think of anything to say and if there are a lot of people there all talking, I can’t follow a conversation, I literally can’t hear what people are saying if there are too many others talking.

so, there I am with nothing to say and nothing I can follow, this is a;ready pretty lonely but there is one more thing that makes it all a lot worse. when the music starts. I have written a blog earlier that I LOVE music and I do but at party’s the music is ALWAYS to damn loud, so loud that it hurts and I don’t mean physical pain to my ears but another kind of pain, I’ll try to explain

its like someone is banging me on my head over and over and my whole body feels the shock of it. after a wile the sound of people talking becomes a choatic noice, I panic and when I panic what I see and hear is all messed up and the only thing on my mind is to get away from it all as fast as possible. I cry to relieve the tention and after a wile being alone I am okay and possibly just ashamed of my behaviure wile I paniced.

sudden loud noises like a loud BANG (lately there is fireworks that upset my) have the same sort of effect just shorter, I often fail to overcome the fear and shock that runs through my body without crying.

lately I have also other symptoms of fear that are hard to deal with not just the total panic attack but also small things like trembling legs and hands and finding it harder to breath ( the last one can become a panic attack with hyperventilation the whole works so to speak).

so you can imagine that party’s are not my favourite place to go

monologue to death

Ooh sweet sweet death,

you refuse me the last time we’ve met

left me alone in this dread

Oh sweet death,

I had enough of this day,

enough of tears, enough of this pain.

So, take me into that endless night

to dream the dream, that forever last

Oh sweet death,

this blood isn’t my body but from my soul that it has bleed,

Take me into your arms, have mercy my love!

take me and carry me home to your kingdom of gods

Oh sweet sweet death,

don’t leave me now we’ve met again.

Don’t leave me in this dreadful dread