pain

first I want to make clear that I am on no way a professional in pretty much anything, what I say is just what I think about it.

pain isn’t 1 thing, its like a twin genetic identical but still not the same. you have physical pain (physo) who is direct, specific and often helpful and then you have emotional pain (emo) who is nagging, diverse and needs a bit more attention but it can be helpful in his own way. now imagine that emo is retarded, it can’t say where it hurts, how it exactly feels, is often overreacting. so your often in pain over nothing and if it is something its hard to tell what.

physo is the lucky kind of brother because he isn’t just smarter but he is also better liked by most because he is annoying but knows what he does and goes away as soon as the cause is fixed.  I told you before that emo is divers and by that I mean that he manifest not only as what he is a kind of pain but also as random anxiety or anger by example. its clear that its very hard to live with a retarded emo  but you can’t get just rid of him he is part of you. so what do you do?

well there is a way to let psyso push him away for a wile, I am talking about hurting yourself physical to stop emotional pain.  its not about liking pain its about avoiding his retarded little brother who is just worse and doesn’t know when to quit. and it is often when both brothers are screaming they somehow cancel each other out, there is no pain in that moment, a moment of rest. often the first moment in a long long time.  I am advising to selfharm no way or to romanise it but I am trying to explain it. people that self harm are not crazy, just in a lot of pain.

so what to do if you suspect or know that someone is harming one self? the first reaction is often anger especially if its someone that you care a lot about. it is like parents when there kid has been missing for a little wile and found the stress and worry releases in anger: never do that again! and then comes the I love you *hug*.  I think a first reaction is just that and can’t be defined as wrong or right, its not that simple. of course getting angry with someone that is already in emotional pain isn’t very helpful. I mean it doesn’t take a genius to know that such a reaction can make someone feel worse and then the need to escape from emo gets stronger.

the solution lies in getting some help to get rid of emo in a bit more friendlier way, a doctor can help with this but don’t be suprised if the person doesn’t want to go to one, there is a stigma and asking for help is never easy. also if emo is really retarded, it can be that the person believes that he/she is beyond help because who can help if its not even clear what is wrong ?

I hope that I am making any sense with  metaphors that remind even me of Dr House. again this is just thoughts on the subject from little me.

going back after a break

this time its going back to work after a 2 week holiday but its always like this. it was with school and even after-school activities.  if I’m gone for a wile its very hard for me to go back, it feels like going for the very first time again.  there is no reasonable explanation for it, its just the way it is.

I am anxious, will take any excuse not to go tomorrow. this time its a bit worse then most times because the last time my colleges saw me I was leaving a party early.  I absolutely hate that I get like this, I hate it and can’t help it even a little bit and its not getting easier (many people say that it does but it doesn’t) its hell, every time again and this is one of these things that makes me so tired of my condition, makes me feel helpless.

I wish I had the words to explain how difficult it is to reconnect I suppose with these people, its even harder then meeting them for the first time because they do expect that its all like old times and it normally is, just not with me.  I am out of practise to have simple conversations with these people, too report on work that I did, to discuss anything. for most people this is like riding a bicycle once learned you can always do it, even after years you can get back on a bike and just go without thinking. I have to find my balance again and learn once more how to go in a straight line, I might even fall a few times. yes I will get it again, not sure how long it takes can be just a few hours but that will be the long hours. often I wonder if its worth it.

happy new year

happy new year to everyone,  hope you all got through the year-change with minor damaged to head and liver.  also wishing everyone the very best for 2010

partymadness

I have complained away on twitter about party’s and I feel like explaining myself. I understand that people don’t understand what is so bad about them, it is suppose to be fun. that is the whole point of having a party.

the last party/calibration that I went to was one of the worse kind, a office-party. the company where I work for calibrated there 10 year anniversary and I was made clear that not coming wasn’t a real option.  it was important for me that I did this well and came over as somewhat “normal”, that pressure didn’t help at all of course. these social events are difficult for me because I don’t really know what to do then. I can’t think of anything to say and if there are a lot of people there all talking, I can’t follow a conversation, I literally can’t hear what people are saying if there are too many others talking.

so, there I am with nothing to say and nothing I can follow, this is a;ready pretty lonely but there is one more thing that makes it all a lot worse. when the music starts. I have written a blog earlier that I LOVE music and I do but at party’s the music is ALWAYS to damn loud, so loud that it hurts and I don’t mean physical pain to my ears but another kind of pain, I’ll try to explain

its like someone is banging me on my head over and over and my whole body feels the shock of it. after a wile the sound of people talking becomes a choatic noice, I panic and when I panic what I see and hear is all messed up and the only thing on my mind is to get away from it all as fast as possible. I cry to relieve the tention and after a wile being alone I am okay and possibly just ashamed of my behaviure wile I paniced.

sudden loud noises like a loud BANG (lately there is fireworks that upset my) have the same sort of effect just shorter, I often fail to overcome the fear and shock that runs through my body without crying.

lately I have also other symptoms of fear that are hard to deal with not just the total panic attack but also small things like trembling legs and hands and finding it harder to breath ( the last one can become a panic attack with hyperventilation the whole works so to speak).

so you can imagine that party’s are not my favourite place to go

monologue to death

Ooh sweet sweet death,

you refuse me the last time we’ve met

left me alone in this dread

Oh sweet death,

I had enough of this day,

enough of tears, enough of this pain.

So, take me into that endless night

to dream the dream, that forever last

Oh sweet death,

this blood isn’t my body but from my soul that it has bleed,

Take me into your arms, have mercy my love!

take me and carry me home to your kingdom of gods

Oh sweet sweet death,

don’t leave me now we’ve met again.

Don’t leave me in this dreadful dread

the Fluffettes

I get often asked at twitter what is a fluffette and how can I become one?

the basic official answer is: a fluffette is a member of the stephenfry.com forum that also follows stephen fry at twitter.

but that isn’t all in my opinion, to tell you the true meaning of a Fluffette I need to go back a bit in time to  more the a year ago. Stephen fry was twittering away but before he started twittering his loyal fans where already together in the Stephen fry forum, were we discuss his work, loveliness but also play games and share our own troubles in life. we support one other in every way we can.  when Stephens number of followers on twitter really became big a couple  forum members decided that we needed a name so that Stephen could recognise us between all those people. so we took sugestions and a vote on the forum and that was the name we came up with the Fluffettes

we are loyal fans, we that where there before and will be there if and when this twitter thing has died out. for me a Fluffette is a person that has kindness on the first place, a person that always is willing to help you when you need it the most. a Fluffette isn’t only a fan of Stephen fry but also follows his example by being kind, tolerant and open-minded.  I am proud to call myself one but even prouder to be called a Fluffette.

follow me, follow you

yes, we are talking twitter of course. as you probably know I twitter, a lot. tweet count stands on this moment on 19259.

its not that I have all that much interestingness  to tell to people its about being connected and staying connected to the world, espechially now I life alone  and get lonely from time to time. its nice that there is always someone out there.

there are downsides to twitter and those almost made me leave it all a couple times now.  one downside is also the greatest up for me, its save. I am nice and save behind a computer or on a phone typing a small text and sending it in to the wide world. the safeness combined with the speed in witch a tweet is typed makes it a perfect for purely emotional shouts, that seem silly and sometimes even wrong when you start to think about it. thinking is just the thing that is often skipped with me when I am tweeting. there are more then one thing wrong with this (in my case that is):

1) I often worry tweople or upset with not so happy (understatement) sounding shouts

2) I can upset people unknowingly by say something in anger (done that)

3) the leased important one, I can make a fool of myself big time (also done that, several times)

and that is just the normal tweeting. then you have replying to peoples tweets. I am not the only one that tweets in pure emotion and overreacting to that can also hurt others. last time I almost walked out (also the time I had really almost deleted my account, maybe if I had been on my computer I would have) I hurt someone badly by overreacting to a tweet that I wasn’t even suppose to have seen because it was meant as a DM to someone else. (no more details about this do to privacy) the only reason why I am still tweeting now is because that ended al right but I am well aware that I might not be so lucky next time and that is scary.

also the shortness of tweets leaves a lot of room for (miss)interpretation, especially when you take everything very literally like I do, sarcasm is almost always lost on me in tweets, it just doesn’t cross my mind that people can mean something else until its to late, this is sometimes annoying.

the lovely thing  about twitter, that its filled with people also brings complications with, where people are there are social rules and me not always understanding them. there are rules, unwritten rules but what are they? is defollowing someone taking is a act of hostility or do people don’t care? when no one answers your tweets, do you have any right of feeling ignored ? maybe I am over-thinking this and maybe there really are no do’s and donts.

that is quite a list of reasons to leave that little thing called twitter but I still tweet, a lot. now my tweet count is 19273, I’ve been tweeting wile writing all this. most the people that I follow are not just a group of random people, it are caring, lovely people. we share a adoration for one man, Stephen Fry who I also follow with love.  I need people who are there 24/7, I can’t be alone at the moment. they don’t need to fix anything or do anything, just being there and they are there always, not all at once but they take turns. I am addicted to love and attention.

this special group of people named itself the Fluffettes, and I just want to take a moment to thank them for every time that they where there for me, in sad and scary times they took time to tell me they they cared and give me lots and lots of *hugs*  really really thank you all.  now there is something I like to know, I have been given a DM from mister fluffy himself on the 24th of June the message was simply a *hug*. I love to know if there has been someone that pointed him to me that day, I like to thank this person for this

when we meet….

I stare, you smile, I shake in fear. you don’t know me but I know you and you are kind, you try to make sure I’m at ease. I give you a book with your picture on the cover, you write your name in beautiful letters on the first page with a good wish for me and love from you. I smile to you when you give back the book, I touch your hand accident-on purposely. then I leave, my turn is over, next in line is up.

staying down

life kicks me down at times, sometimes it doesn’t take much to make me feel like its the end of the world. then after a wile I pick myself up and go on with life, till the next time that is.

maybe its less painful just to stay down because the time that I do feel all right start to feel like a cosmic joke, gods little play with me. I’m not sure how often I can take it to fall again.

in those times I feel very sad, my memory from everything good gets lost and I know it. everything even a bit joyful is no more, so in that sense it is the end of my world. this can take a hour or 2 if I’m lucky, days, months if I’m not so lucky. once it took over 2 years to get even a bit better, I have no idea how I got though those years.

its not getting any better, it really doesn’t. I often heard from people that things get easier with the years but it all just getting harder. people are expecting a lot more from me, although I can’t be better, I often already feel like I am just faking my way through just hoping that no one notice.

this is a lot of rambling to just say, maybe I should just fall one more time and stay down until I have learned to stand up for good.

human nature and misery

people in general don’t like unhappy people, they don’t like to see that there are bad things in this world. At first it is okay, they are happy to support you and cheer you up or even throw a bit of money to it. but if it takes to long they just get bored with it, tired of it. they really want to say, chin up and cheer up and some even do say that.  because its no fun having someone uncheerful in your presents. it isn’t very helpful to hear that when your just not happy because that is the thing you want the most and can’t get to.after the cheer up stage there is only silence, they simply ignore the bad stuff, put up there pink sunglasses and really really want to believe that all is just fine and there lies the danger.

you can imagine that if you are depressed and feel bad all the time and people simply ignore that because it makes there life easier and more pleasurable and who could blame them ? life is better without the disturbance of sad people interfering with it. but it does make life very lonely, make one feel very misunderstood and there for even sadder, this  can lead to death in the worse case.

now I am not saying that people are bad for doing this, I myself am also every now and then guilty of just having had enough of other peoples problems and sadness, mostly because I have enough of that one my own. we are just human.

also is important that this is how I see it and there is a good possibility that I am as often I do am completely and utterly WRONG. don’t be afread to say so if that is the case.