new year, new start and the story so far

let me start with wishing all of you a very happy new year

I have been quiet quite a wile, my deepest apologies for breaking that silence now the main reason for my silence is that I haven’t been well for some time, I have been quite depressed and that isn’t a good writing mood.  my depression had a effect on my whole life and that gave more problems. one of the problems it gave where work-related and bosses had enough just before the holidays (I must say that I had been very unpleasant for the last weeks before that) and had a kind of intervention with me. they just stated what the problems where and what they wanted that I changed, they even offered to help in form of monthly talks with them. I was mostly angry because I felt trapped and powerless to change those things and at the time I did not hear the kindness that it probably had I just heard what I already believed, that I was not good enough and if I wasn’t going to be better then I would be sent off. I also heard that others where effected by my mood in a negative way and that hurt me deeply because I never want to hurt anyone and again felt powerless to change. I had a few days before Xmas free from work and those days where hard, the message that I hurt everyone with my bad mood still haunted me and I just wanted to hide away but also didn’t want to be alone so I spent a lot of time with family and the evening before Xmas I went out and saw a film, I hadn’t eaten that day and did drink some witch had as result that I was intoxicated rather quick. that evening I hit quite a low and I will spare you the details but it wasn’t anything nice (did luckily get through it without serious harm). the next day was Xmas and I went to my parents for the day, when I am with others especially with people I know well, I can be okay or at least fake my way through it and then when I am alone I crash again. all was right until there was alcohol and I started drinking, I didn’t stop at a glass or two but drank half a bottle in about an hour, after that I went home too drunk to really walk a line but I pretended to be well enough to my parents, otherwise they wouldn’t have let me go. at home I went to bed and tweeted some stuff, including what I had been up to the evening before (for witch I am truly sorry). when I sobered up I realized that something had to change for me, otherwise I would end up hurting everyone a lot more, I decidede to finally get some help and promised to myself that I would call my GP after Xmas. I surprised myself with doing just that, it was very hard to do I called about 15 times before I stayed on the line and spoke to the assistant to make a appointment and I even managed to say for what I would be there, one simple line: I think I am depressed. its soo hard to say because its so loaded with emotion and fear of what the other might think. the reason I did say it was because I know myself quite well, I knew I would be terrified and very likely unable to speak at the appointment self. that is exactly what happened and because I did say that single sentence on the phone the doctor knew why I was there and wasn’t going to sent me away without some help.the help came in form of some pills, one pill a day, simple. well it wasn’t simple, the side-effects made me want to quit at several occasions but with help of a very good friend (you know who you are, yes I mean you, really) I got through it and they do help, I feel a lot less low and not so frightened any more. I didn’t think that it was possible tbh but now I have good hopes that all can be okay and I can feel okay for longer then maybe a few weeks.

Stephen fry said that moods are as the weather, when it rains it rains, its real and no one can control it and that is true, I just got myself a umbrella to keep me dry.

don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken

The people that want to cure autism have in my opinion the wrong idea about what autism is.What makes up our personality is an almost endless list of characteristics. Autism isn’t a additional characteristic to this list but being labelled autistic means that a lot of these characteristics are a bit different then the general population. Even if you could take and change all that makes me autistic, than what is left is a whole other person. I don’t know if that person would be better or worse but I do know it wouldn’t be me. I was once asked if a problem I was having was caused by my autism and I had to say that I didn’t know because I don’t know if I still have the problem without the autism and there is no “here stops me and behinds the autism” its all me, the whole package. I have thought about what if there will be a cure a lot, mainly because others describe autism as some kind of illness, something that should be fixed and it took me quite some time to realize that it is simply a word that helps describing what kind of person I am. I hate the phrase “autism stole my child” because that is not true and gives a very strong massage to the child is fundamentally wrong and only a burden that is quite hurtful. I believe that parents should try to understand there children, focus less about what they believe a child should be but love them for who they are. If the same energy is put in trying to understanding and finding the best way to live together then it is in trying to simply correct people with autism then the world would be better already. I believe that people have a great ability to overcome differences if they really want to, its where society is built on. If everyone does the best they can to understand one other then life will be greatly improved for all.

in the closet: autism at work

the term in the closet is mostly used for someone that hides his/her sexuality because of fear for judgement of others. that is similar to what I feel.

in order to get a job, I couldn’t tell them about my autism because the change that you ever hear anything back from a boss after you told them that you are autistic in a job-interview are very slim. I never lied because I am a bad liar but felt bad enough about hiding the truth, also twisted quite around two of my school-years because I was on special education then and that would raise to much questions. when I got the job it didn’t became much easier, I worked very hard. I worked hard to proof that I was worth the trust they had in me, not easy to do when you feel like a fraud.  when I was working there a month a manager was hired and we didn’t get along. as soon as he was in he was telling me how to do my job better even though he didn’t know anything about what we did there, it annoyed me very much from day one. beside that I was having trouble adjusting to everything and I didn’t handle it very well, reacted a bit different then others might on his behaviour and he really did not like that. when my contract was up, he said they where not sure if they wanted to keep me. my luck was that my other boss thought I was doing a good job and working hard and after a high stress week I could stay.

after that I had the time to get more settled in the group and more use to dealing with bosses. I have had fewer incidents and got a long term contract and even got promoted.  my co-workers where however less happy with me, I am almost always doing as I am told and that made them look bad, I also keep my distance because they are not my friends and never will be, I feel they would be judgemental if I told them about my autism and that automatic creates some distance between us. in my last performance interview it became clear that people where still not completely satisfied with me and my boss thought that a social skills course would be very good for me, I believe he really wanted best for me but I realized that I could not take it. in such a class there will be things asked of me that I could not do (for instance roll playing to practise skills). If I am pushed too much in these things I will break down in tears and I might even end up leaving. so going wasn’t really a option but telling him no without reason would make it look like I didn’t want to improve myself. after talking to my parents about it and having a good think about it, I came to the conclusion that I had to tell my bosses about my autism. I was scared but also tired of hiding and of the frustrations because they didn’t realize how hard I really worked to be who they wanted me to be. I have been lucky, they accepted what I told them and later also my dissension not to tell my co-workers. I believe that they reacted well because they already knew that I deliver a good quality of work and am willing to work hard, I am still of the opinion that if I said something before they got to know me better would be a bad thing because most people only know the stereotype autistic person and employers are scared that it will lead to trouble, they don’t want to burn themselves on that. they don’t realize that with a little consideration on there part can a autistic person be a great worker.

society does have to change quite a bit before autistic people can be really free to be who they are and it worries me because society does change, just the wrong way. the social bar gets set higher and people become less tolerant to people who are different. children are labelled faster as problematic because there is no place in today’s society for difference. political leaders want that everyone becomes a productive member of society but if they want that they should leave some room so every can be just that.

my dear old friend…the end

Trigger warning: talk about suicide, only read it if your in a good state of mind, if you think you might be triggered please stop reading because I want to express myself but not harm anyone in anyway.

yeah that title is from the song (its a good song) but it fits the post so I stole it. I haven’t been well for quite a wile and now and it just got quite some worse as I am in realistic danger of losing my job. the company for whom I work is in trouble and has to cut in staff, this week I will hear if I am one of those people that have to go but I would be very surprised if I’m not, nothing personal against me but I am just in the group of people that is least needed at this time. more personally I am not perfect, not even close to it. as many of you know I am autistic (pdd-nos)  and that asks for some tolerance and understanding from the people I work with, something that not everyone is willing or able to give.

I worked there for a bit over two and a half years and it hasn’t been easy, its been a struggle, day after day its so hard to do the job right, fast enough, be nice to everyone, don’t show frustrations too much, react correctly on every situation and failing at all of it most of the time.  for all this hard work the reward is to be aloud to fight another day and that is what I have been doing because the alternative is worse. a job is more then a pay-check, for me its something to literally get up for in the morning, its something to do with my day and its a way to keep in touch with the human race. without a job I will become socially isolated and will just washed away on the sofa.

so, get a new job ! well staring over is very difficult and it just doesn’t seem worth it any more. I also know that not everyone will be as tolerant to my differentness, so new jobs can become very short if I get one at all. the world economy is what it is and the Dutch one isn’t much better so employers have enough choice, for me there will be ten others that can handle themselves in a conversation or is depressed most of the time.

as I said I haven’t been well for a wile, I am tired of the struggle and frustrations and feeling like crap most of the time. I am also tired of being alone, I mean people on-line are great and understanding but they are not really with me, sometimes you need to feel some arms around you. I can’t talk to my family and my friends are just for fun. its harsh I know but I have been there for them always and will be how long I can but I know I shouldn’t expect the same from them, they do there best but they can’t change themselves more then I can.

I feel that my life is slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do but watch it happen. in the past I have tried to get help but its all so difficult and have been told more then once that they can’t help, not sure anyone can. when I feel badly I can’t help but to feel like I don’t belong in this world and that no one really wants me here. I have thought about suicide, quite a lot. thinking is a world away from doing and it is different then my depressed time as a teenager, back then I could think of little else then ending it all but I didn’t do anything. I know its not right to kill myself but on the other hand is living just because one has to right ? the end has often seemed like a sweet relieve, lately I seemed to want to rush to it.

my greatest dream got crushed by my mother, I mentioned that I could be a writer if I lost my job, she just said I am not talented enough and of course she is right, I am not. its sweet of others to claim I am but there are many writers and only the best get read. I dream away too much, sometimes its hard to keep what’s real apart from the dream. its nice to imagine that I am special and not in a bad way for once but I am not. its hard to face reality but I guess its the all grown up thing to do, I hate it. but reality says its a nice hobby but don’t you fool yourself into believing it could be more then that.

I can predict the comments that will come, I know many will be very well meant but also very unhelpful. get help, I tell people all the time and if I really have to I will I promise. cheer up is just not possible. and remember that you don’t know my life, so you probably don’t know how to fix it. please don’t judge me or tell me that god loves me or Jesus can save me. I am almost asking not to comment at all I know but there just are not any easy answers to this all, if there where, I would have done it a long time ago.

thank you for reading all this and congratulations for coming to the end of my monster-post

two centuses, one story

as some of you know I am currently doing two 100 word centus challenges in a week. this week I have decided to do it a bit different, I have made for every prompt words a piece but both pieces are part of one story. I hope that this won’t be considered cheating.  the sites I am doing this for are http://jennymatlock.blogspot.com/ and http://www.theheadsoffice.co.uk/100-word-challenge-for-grown-ups-week-8/  if you come from one you might want to visit the other here are my pieces, the prompts are in bold.

The kitchen was chaos, on every surface stood ingredients and in the middle stood a young women, feeling quite lost. She was cursing herself for saying that she could cook. She had forgotten her aunts dating-rule number one: never lie to impress a guy. She read through the instructions that she got from the internet one last time and began to work. Once it was in the oven she felt quite good about herself and went to watch tv. She forgot time until the alarm went off, jumped up and ran into the kitchen to find the oven smoking and the pizza quite black.

The smoke wasn’t out of the kitchen yet when the buzzer from the front door went off. He was early, shocked she realized that, letting him standing there wasn’t a option and went to open it. He had a red rose with him, what made her feel even more guilty. She didn’t know what to say, so she just laid him into kitchen and show him. When he saw the burned pizza he looked amused at her and asked: what kind of a pizza is this? She giggled and answered, a very crispy one. They laughed together at the disaster and decided to go out that evening.

silence at the library

I have to disappoint any whovians this isn’t a ode to the Dr who episode(even tho I loved it) After reading this you would probably think I am a sad git who can’t let go of the past and resents the world for changing and you would probably have a point. My memories are unreliable by nature as they are often edited and polished to romanise what has been but they are mine and I will not apologize for them.

I use to go to the library every week and sometimes more then once, not just because I read a a lot but also because I loved being there. I went just after dinner, a time that almost no one was there. I enjoyed the calm and the scent of books surrounding me. there was a atmosphere of  respect, respect for the written word, knowlage and wishdom and all who sought those where welcomed with open arms. it didn’t matter there that one was quieter then the rest, that one was different , the library seemed the prefer children like me and I felt at home there. I often sat on the floor reading, without anyone ever bothering me. Often I didn’t need anything I just went to walk among the books, let my fingers run over there sides and randomly pick up a book to explore the world within them. once I was past reading children books (what was sooner then most) I didn’t come into that part of the library any longer as the rest was quieter.

now every member of the library (what is for children under 16 free of charge) can get on the internet for free and there are video-games for every console and DVD’s to be borrowed. this are not bad things but what happens to the library is. now children are on the computers throughout the library playing on-line games against one other, they have never gotten near a book there and never plan to do so. they are yelling at one other and as long as they are not screaming bad things, no one tells them to be quiet. the scent of books has been filtered out and the only smell is from coffee and cake of the café downstairs. respect left as the library turned into a playground where one gets funny looks for being quiet and different.

saturday centus week 69

another week, another prompt, another try

Surprise! I’m pregnant!

Pregnant? Are you sure?

Yes, very

With a, a baby ?

I certainly hope so

hooow ?

When a boy and a girl..

yes I know..I mean..

yeah, big shock..

am I..?

of course

I’m going to be a daddy

you’re happy about it ?

Yeah are you?

Very

I’m up for parole next week, lawyer said I make a good chance

good, great

I’m going legit, I swear I will, for you and the kid

I know you will, we’ll make it good.

Visitors say your goodbyes!

I love you soo much

love you more

100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups – Week #7

this weeks challenge was to work in one or more of the prompt words or there definitions into a writing piece, the words where quite new to me but I don’t think I will be alone in that as they are words that are removed from the Concise Oxford English Dictionary to make room for the new and because they are not used (generally) any more. this are the words, with there definitions:

Brabble – paltry, noisy quarrel

Growlery – place to growl, private room, den

Foozle – do clumsily, bungle, make a mess of

and this is my piece (I have a 100 words plus the prompt words)

Betty and Bert

Betty and Bert had a brabble, everyone heard.

After quite some shouting, Betty stormed away.

Vanished into her growlery and sulked all day.

Bert was quite upset cause she refused to come out.

Apologist 300 times for every single shout.

But Betty was quite stubborn and very cross

so she sat there for days, just to get her point across

Bert begged for forgiveness, in front of that closed door.

But she wasn’t satisfied, until he was kneeling on the floor.

Betty came out the room, looked him in the eye

stop to foozle about now she said and wear that pretty tie.

 

100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups – Week #6

the prompt is in bold

This time I’ll try

a different song

cause the sun shone but

the light was gone

this time I’ll take

a different road

maybe get an ending

I did not wrote

not everyone gets

a another go

if life there’s usually

not a second show.

 

Saturday Centus week 68

soo this week Jenny treats us with a 150 word centus plus a few promt words of course. this is my bit, the prompt as always in bold

a monologue to a friend

Moments, that’s all I get.

Moments of light shining through.

Those moments are the best, true bliss.

But short and when they have passed, they are truly gone.

Memory is merely a shadow of the moment itself.

If I die young, then its probably a death by choice.

Because in the long run moments aren’t enough.

Don’t look at me like that, I said if and not when.

Isn’t it comforting to know that I still have moments?

I could have lied, said that I’ll die old, with a smile.

Would you have preferred the lie ?

You are a good friend, always stood by me.

That really counts, you know ?

If I am gone, know that most of those moments came from you.

No, you can’t help, no one can

I know you would do anything

but there is nothing to be done.

I’m sorry, but I had to let you know.