the dark days

first I must make clear that I never been diagnosed as depressed, this is because I never seen a doctor about it.

at the moment I am absolutely fine and I hopefully staying that way. but I haven’t always been. it started when I was about 12 years old. I was in my last year of basic school (you go there from about 4 to 12 years old) I was on a special school (because of my autism) what was fine, probably a lot better then a crowded ‘normal’ school.  it was Spring and my best friend (at that time) was getting more interested in others and in the group in general, she did invited me to join in but I just couldn’t, really couldn’t. so I stayed kinda behind, alone. this made me sad and that made me isolate myself even more. then summer break came and after that I went to another school (still a special school) during that summer break I didn’t feel any better, there was a sadness over me and I didn’t understand why.  school began and new beginnings are always hard for me, always took a wile for me to settle in. so people around me weren’t surprised that I was less cheerful then usual.

the sadness didn’t go away, it got worse and during that year I became really depressed (self-diagnosed).it was like my heart was bleeding. I really felt bad and still didn’t know why, I told myself time after time that I had a good life so there was nothing to feel bad about but that didn’t help of course.  I never spook about my feelings because I knew I couldn’t explain and thought no one would understand because how could they? I didn’t even understand.

I began to think about ending it all but there always was a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I wasn’t allowed to, I would maybe hurt someone and that would be wrong, I wasn’t worth any kind of pain I might do to others. so I didn’t (very glad about that now) but I thought about it all the time, a high building I saw myself falling from the roof. a knife, I saw myself bleeding on the ground. I was desperate for a escape from the constant pain.I drank way to much at times , just to not feel any more

this went on for about 1,5 years that I was at my worse and I was in a lesser degree depressed for about 3 years. I got out of it, don’t ask me how, I really don’t know. I began seeing the light of the other side of the tunnel again and things got slowly better by it self.  I still had hard times but these did have reasons. the transition to my last school didn’t go to well, I had problems adapting to everything new (what was a lot). between the special school and the last I did go to another normal school but that transition was easier because the way they tutored was about the same.

I still get the blues so every now and then but nothing as long or bad as then. sometimes it goes on from a couple of hours to a day or two. I have talked about it with people online who know what it’s like and that does help.

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