life is nothing but a dream

ever wondered if you where dreaming when your were awake?

I have because it feels like I am dreaming, everything looks unreal and strange. it’s a disturbing feeling and probably not completely harmless, yesterday I was really unimpressed by the cars when I wanted to cross the street. it is also kinda depressing when you see something beautiful and it just doesn’t seem real. also it causes anxiety because everything looks so strange including other people.

this feeling is called derealisation and can be part of a underlying illness or it can  a disorder all by it self. the illnesses that have derealisation as symptom are not good once to have. it can also be caused by extreme sleeplessness or stress. well I have some trouble sleeping but I can’t call it extreme and lately I am getting quite some sleep. and stress, I always have stress but again nothing to extreme. so I wonder what it can be.

dereasation is often joined with his brother depersonalisation, and so it is for me. depersonalisation is the feeling that you are not real, I often look at my hands, they just don’t seem to be mine. my body doesn’t seem part of me. I know that this sounds kinda nuts but it’s the only way I can describe it.

to get the  obvious out of the way, I know it is probably wise to see a doctor about this but the thing is, I am afraid of doctors and the fact that this is a symptom that has to do with my state of mind makes it only harder. it is very hard for me to talk about these things in real life. a fear of people thinking I’m crazy or worse being told that I have something serious and that I am indeed really mentally ill.  in this I am a hypocrite, I think and say it’s fine when talk to others that have some mental illness and I do mean it. but when it comes to me, I don’t want to know because what if I have to do something about it? go on meds or talk it out (not sure what I find worse) ? I can’t do that. yes I tell others that seeking help is the best way and that is my opinion but I am just to scared, I am a coward


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