looking back

I found myself looking back on the past year today and realised that a lot has happened in that year.it started around this time last year when the end of my school year began to end and I started to get scared at what the future might bring for me. I had decided to try going to a new school and that also was very scary.in September I went anxiously and also quite exited to my new school but it was hard, harder then I had thought. soon I told my tutor what was up, then he kinda made my to tell the whole class, I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready to have people knowing. I imaged that they looked at me differently and maybe they did, i don’t know. I left the school after just 5 weeks, I failed.

after that i took a small break and just when i had plans to go and look for work something happened.

I remember well that my mum came into my room that morning to tell my that grandma didn’t feel so well and if I could call them if she called to this house because they where out to buy some plants. then she called and she sounded scared and out of breath, i also got scared and as told i called my mum, she said that she would be there as soon as possible. I went to my grandma myself because I didn’t want her to be alone and she sounded scared on the phone. I found her sitting on the stairs to the attic and not knowing what else to do I brought her to her bed and tried to call her doctor but he was out. then a docs office but there where so many questions that I couldn’t answer that I decided to wait for my mum. when she was there she took over all care (not that i helped much anyway) and called the doc’s again and answered the questions that where asked. it sounded like the flu and mum assured me that grandma was going to be fine, just fine.

mum stayed with her that afternoon and then called that she would stay for the evening as well, grandma wasn’t feeling okay at all. she called the doctor again and this time someone came to see what was up with her. the doctor wasn’t sure what it was so she sent her to the hospital.  at this point everyone was quite sure grandma was just going to fine. but the next day came in the test results. it was quite something different then they thought and now It really became unsure whether she was going to life through it all. I was worried and in disbelieve, mum said that she was going to be fine, how could that change in one simple phone call?

Sunday evening, we where eating our dinner when mum called from the hospital. her message was simple, come here in a hour and take the kids with you, so they can say goodbye. after hearing that I was somewhere between disbelieve, panic and a great sadness in. i remember doing the dishes quite obsessively before I was told to come with, it was time.

saying goodbye to her was impossible, I was quite hysterical at times. she slept in the next day and died the day that followed, Sunday was the last day that I saw her.

after that things started slowly to go better and I went to look for work. on the fist day that I started looking I sent out 2 resumes, one to a temp-agency and a other to my current job. I have first worked by the temp-agency at a company that was interested in taking me on for longer but I had other plans and when I got invited to a job interview at my current job I took it with both hands. 2 interviews later I was hired but couldn’t start there until the next month, that was one long month because i hated the work that i did, and i hated how i was treated because i was just a temp.

starting again a new job was of course quite stress full for me and didn’t go smoothly in the beginning but I got there in the end even though there are still many things that I can do to make it better.

I fear I have left something rather important out, one day (i don’t remember witch one) in end February i got 4 new things to hear:

the first came from my uncle, he was in hospital with heart trouble, i thought oh no not again. but that turned out quite well and he is all better now.

the second and third came from my sister, she had bought a house and she was once again pregnant.

the last news was a phone-call, i was hired at my new job.

at that time i was of course unaware that the happiest news from those would become later a source of great pain and sadness for the whole family.

at the 20th week of her pregnancy my sister had a ultrasound made and there was to be seen that there was perhaps something wrong with her child, they feared a open back, my mother already has lost a child to that terrible condition.

there where more test and then good news, it all wasn’t so bad at all, we where all very happy of course but that happiness didn’t last long because the doctor that gave her that news didn’t tell her the whole story in hope that she would keep the child (the hospital was a very Christian one, and so very pro-life). when a other doctor confirmed that it was quite serious, my sister made 22 weeks into her pregnancy the hardest choice in her life and terminated the pregnancy. that will say that the child was born then because it was already to big for any other ways. it was a girl that lived for about a hour. but it was also clear that she was seriously disabled. as if it was fate, she was born on my grandma’s birthday.

this time was very hard on me, because in my heart I absolutely hated the idea of termination. although i respected her decision and understood that it was probably for the best.

so, yes i had quite a year……..

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One response to “looking back

  1. Girl, you have had a lot to cope with the past year, it is understandable that you were on a emotional rollercoaster. It would be too much for anybody, so you handled it all very well.

    I feel particularly for your sister. I just can’t believe that the first hospital would play down the severity of the child’s condition. Your sister has had to make one of the toughest choices anyone will ever have to make. Fortunately, she has a very loving and supportive family and she will need you for a long time to come.

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