more panic

this panic was in the form of a panic attack on Monday afternoon, and not just one but the worst one I have ever had. it was so bad that I got my fellow workers to help me out. it was terrible, I couldn’t breath,the muscles of my hands where so tensed up that I couldn’t open them. I kinda knew it was just me panicking but wasn’t completely sure and that scared the shit out of me.  now I am just soooooooo embarrassed about the whole incident.

the cause of this attack was the news that I got that morning, that there was a good possibility that I would become jobless and the reason that scared me so much was that I really couldn’t see a way forward if that would happen. losing my job means that I can’t work and I need work to keep me sane to be honest. it gives me some regular forced contact with people and a kind of rhythm in the days. (makes sense? hope so) how much I may hate it, I do need those things in my life especially now I am moving out and I haven’t even spoken about money.

what almost got my out of a job was my behaviour, that isn’t really up to most peoples standards  and that kinda depressed me because I really don’t think I can do better, I try, really but somehow I just can’t make it, can’t be the person who they want me to be. I failed everyone and that hurts because I do really want to be someone they can be happy with and I am not.

according to my boss I was doing better this week, god knows what because what I remember of the week was just that I was soooo stressed that I was very happy that I made it to the next day. I am still not really sure about what will happen next in the sense that I have not always all that much control over my own reactions on people and that can get me in a lot of trouble I know that from experience, I never mean to but that doesn’t matter does it?

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