staying down

life kicks me down at times, sometimes it doesn’t take much to make me feel like its the end of the world. then after a wile I pick myself up and go on with life, till the next time that is.

maybe its less painful just to stay down because the time that I do feel all right start to feel like a cosmic joke, gods little play with me. I’m not sure how often I can take it to fall again.

in those times I feel very sad, my memory from everything good gets lost and I know it. everything even a bit joyful is no more, so in that sense it is the end of my world. this can take a hour or 2 if I’m lucky, days, months if I’m not so lucky. once it took over 2 years to get even a bit better, I have no idea how I got though those years.

its not getting any better, it really doesn’t. I often heard from people that things get easier with the years but it all just getting harder. people are expecting a lot more from me, although I can’t be better, I often already feel like I am just faking my way through just hoping that no one notice.

this is a lot of rambling to just say, maybe I should just fall one more time and stay down until I have learned to stand up for good.


5 responses to “staying down

  1. I know how it feels to wonder why you keep on trying, and also, like you say, looking back and wondering how you had the strength to get through things. But I think when you feel like that, you are actually a lot stronger than you think and don’t realise it – I think it’s easy when you feel emotional or down a lot to think that that is itself a weakness (I know I do, and it’s not, by the way) and from that think, well I must not be very strong because of these emotions. But when you think about bad things you’ve got through, you did get through them, and that was you who did it, and so I think it’s good if you can say, actually I did well then, I was strong. I think that strength will be there with you always, inside you, even though it’s not obvious a lot of the time.

    I think it’s important to express how you feel and stay in tune with it – I think it’s so important to know where you’re at so that you can compensate for it, and reward yourself for things that are perhaps a little harder than usual, for example, ‘hey i did well today because i managed to get through it and i’m still here and i can still appreciate that in some way, i am lucky for the people i have. i may not be able to recognise all the positives of myself and the world but i need to give myself time to get better, and even though i feel bad, things will get better at some point, and i will have to be patient, but it’s okay.’

    I know with things like this all you want to do is just hug someone for hours and hours (maybe that’s just me!) and hide somewhere like a little mouse until the sun comes out to play again, but all i can say is *hug* and if you want to be a mouse for now, that’s fine, because you know what, the sun will be out again and then we can shine and dance again 🙂

    hope you feel better soon darling

    Debs xxx

  2. There are so many ideums I could spout, but they wouldn’t help, I know to some degree how you feel, to always feel an outsider, to be always anxous, and fell low. I know one thing and this has helped me and that is don’t give in to disordered thinking, challenge it! Challenge it at every turn, it’s hard I’m not gonna lie and I’m not always able to rememer to but it can become second nature with practice. Every time you hear that little voice in your head say a ‘negitive’ thing use your own voice to say NO that’s not true, I can do this and I will! Your subconcseous will reconssider bringing you down. Xxx
    I hope this helps and isn’t just a lecture from a hypocrate,
    with all my love & fluffy Hugs

  3. “I often already feel like I am just faking my way through just hoping that no one notice.”

    Believe it or not, that is exactly how I felt for at least the past ten years. Ever since I left secondary school and went to academic high school (where you go to if you want to take your A-Levels in Switzerland) I felt like being in some sort of play or film (and a really bad one, that is).
    People kept on telling me how clever I was and how brilliant but I knew better. I really sucked at maths and physics because I was just too lazy to sit at my desk and study. I did well in every other subject, especially languages… I was just fed up with people telling me how GOOD I was doing, because I always felt like the stupidest idiot and maybe I tried to proof them that I really was an idiot by sucking at science subjects in school.
    I always thought ‘one day they will find out.’ but before they could find out, I left school.
    And it really felt like miming, acting through my life. I keep on thinking that some day they will find out that I suck at work and fire me.
    When I took the final exams after my 4-year apprenticeship, it was as if it wasn’t ME who was writing the words down on the test papers… as if I was pretending to be a media-designer doing a test.
    I used to think that this feeling will pass after I had ‘grown up’ (I was 21 back then) but… it didn’t pass.

    I would really love to tell you that those feelings pass… but… I don’t want to lie to you.

    (sorry for babbling around)

  4. I think you speak for many others with your words. It is my personal belief that we are here for a reason. The road for some to the discovery of it is down right ugly and unfair, but it IS

    • there and we just gotta keep getting back up.

      It is a bit easier when you have friends helping ya back up…and you dear DO have some *hugs*

      TY for writing
      (p.s.) sorry for using up two spots…couldn’t find an ‘edit’ option :o/

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