I have complained away on twitter about party’s and I feel like explaining myself. I understand that people don’t understand what is so bad about them, it is suppose to be fun. that is the whole point of having a party.
the last party/calibration that I went to was one of the worse kind, a office-party. the company where I work for calibrated there 10 year anniversary and I was made clear that not coming wasn’t a real option. it was important for me that I did this well and came over as somewhat “normal”, that pressure didn’t help at all of course. these social events are difficult for me because I don’t really know what to do then. I can’t think of anything to say and if there are a lot of people there all talking, I can’t follow a conversation, I literally can’t hear what people are saying if there are too many others talking.
so, there I am with nothing to say and nothing I can follow, this is a;ready pretty lonely but there is one more thing that makes it all a lot worse. when the music starts. I have written a blog earlier that I LOVE music and I do but at party’s the music is ALWAYS to damn loud, so loud that it hurts and I don’t mean physical pain to my ears but another kind of pain, I’ll try to explain
its like someone is banging me on my head over and over and my whole body feels the shock of it. after a wile the sound of people talking becomes a choatic noice, I panic and when I panic what I see and hear is all messed up and the only thing on my mind is to get away from it all as fast as possible. I cry to relieve the tention and after a wile being alone I am okay and possibly just ashamed of my behaviure wile I paniced.
sudden loud noises like a loud BANG (lately there is fireworks that upset my) have the same sort of effect just shorter, I often fail to overcome the fear and shock that runs through my body without crying.
lately I have also other symptoms of fear that are hard to deal with not just the total panic attack but also small things like trembling legs and hands and finding it harder to breath ( the last one can become a panic attack with hyperventilation the whole works so to speak).
so you can imagine that party’s are not my favourite place to go