this time its going back to work after a 2 week holiday but its always like this. it was with school and even after-school activities. if I’m gone for a wile its very hard for me to go back, it feels like going for the very first time again. there is no reasonable explanation for it, its just the way it is.
I am anxious, will take any excuse not to go tomorrow. this time its a bit worse then most times because the last time my colleges saw me I was leaving a party early. I absolutely hate that I get like this, I hate it and can’t help it even a little bit and its not getting easier (many people say that it does but it doesn’t) its hell, every time again and this is one of these things that makes me so tired of my condition, makes me feel helpless.
I wish I had the words to explain how difficult it is to reconnect I suppose with these people, its even harder then meeting them for the first time because they do expect that its all like old times and it normally is, just not with me. I am out of practise to have simple conversations with these people, too report on work that I did, to discuss anything. for most people this is like riding a bicycle once learned you can always do it, even after years you can get back on a bike and just go without thinking. I have to find my balance again and learn once more how to go in a straight line, I might even fall a few times. yes I will get it again, not sure how long it takes can be just a few hours but that will be the long hours. often I wonder if its worth it.