criticism

I have to confess that I am not all that well at taking bad criticism and I like to explain why.

it doesn’t matter if the critique  is constructive and  sincere or just bully-like the only thing I will get from it at the time that it is been given to me is: your not good enough, you suck. and that is painful mostly because I really take it then as truth.  this doesn’t make my reaction on critique very nice, I seem defensive or worse indifferent because I am trying to protect myself from feeling like a complete loser. I also can’t separate  critique on my work from  critique on me as a person. take a example someone saying: that text isn’t really good, I think you can do better. then I  hear, this is rubbish and so are you! I can’t help it. I am not stupid I know that is not what they mean but it does feel that way and it is a feeling that I can’t seem to control.

I wish I was better in complements, giving them is no problem of course but taking them, I never been able to just take a complement as anything but a lie that someone tells me to be kind. I have in the past called people liars because they said something nice about me. it feels good for about a second and then something in my head kicks in telling me that it isn’t true and I am a fool for believing it.

I have always been like this even  as a child. I remember a teacher trying to make me accept a complement and I just wouldn’t because it really didn’t feel right.

I have a dream of becoming a writer but this thing makes it all that much scarier because I really think that with something so close to me heart that it could really destroy me if anyone said it was anything bad. even when the rest of the world said it is the best ever I will just have in my head that one bad comment, playing over and over in my head, and depressing me for weeks maybe even longer. I am not sure I can risk that, I don’t think I am brave enough.

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