oh dearly sorry for my silence, I didn’t even manage to write crappy story’s.
ok whats up ? well it isn’t up its down that is what is up you see.
that needs explaining, I am feeling a bit down lately and this makes me hopelessly uncreative and honestly uncaring about it all. I can’t fully explain why I have been feeling this way but there are factors that certainly don’t help. first there is work, there is a lot of work and pressure to do a lot of work in as little time as possible and I don’t do well under pressure. its not even so my bosses, they do try to not put me under pressure but its me, I can’t help it but to take it all on me and feel like I have to do a lot. I think to prove my worth or maybe just for that “thank you” and “well done” that I may get so every now and then. but there is a reason that a lot of autistic people are working part-time, its because we have a bit more to deal with and the “normal” way of life is harder on us then it is on others. I am not complaining but that is just the way it is. the work isn’t the only thing its also my colleagues, fist I want to say there good people and I don’t think they do anything wrong on purposes. its just those little things that make me feel alone, they for instance don’t often remember to ask me to go with them on a break (as they do with others) and never bother they to wait for me (as again they do with others) maybe I am just a bore. yesterday a lot of them went on a company outing and I couldn’t go because I don’t do well in group activities and didn’t trust myself to behave “normally” so I excused myself from that. also when I have a opinion it doesn’t seem to matter that much as when someone else does it.
I also miss a connection to people, I don’t have it with colleagues because I can’t tell them the things that really matter, my troubles and so on.. I miss family and friends because I have not to much time to see them and lately I am feeling like they don’t understand me anyway and honestly I don’t really understand myself any more. I say things without thinking, I react angry and irradiated to things people say to me, little things set me off in to a rage at times. last I didn’t want to meet up with my friends because I didn’t trust myself to be nice to them as I been horrid to others already without a good reason.
as always when I’m feeling down I am afraid that this time its here to stay but now I am also afraid that this person that I will stay this way, because I am really not liking her at all and no one else will either because who likes a person that is just angry with the world for things that the world isn’t to blame for, or someone that is just sad all the time, that’s no fun is it?
sorry about the rambling..