I have always admired people who seem are indeed are so sure about who they are and what they want in life. I am not one of those people, for me finding those things out is a long and maybe a lifelong journey with bumps in the road and mountains to clime. I am kinda use to the idea that pretty much nothing is going go easy or simple for me.
yesterday there where 2 things that are important for this blogpost, a nasty tweet and a anonymous question. the nasty tweet wasn’t to me but to my hero Stephen Fry, some idiotic person had the idea that marrying once sister is exactly the same as gay marriage (don’t get me started there). he dealt with it very good and the person, well did what these people do they are just nasty and not gona change I fear but I get off track, the important thing about that was that I was really angry and kinda shouted out (the twitter way of shouting anyway)”I just hate to think if I ever fall in love with a women that I would have to keep it quiet cause there people that would hate me for it :(” and I meant and mean it. the second was a question on formspring.me a direct simple question: are you heterosexual ? a simple question for a lot of people but not for the eternal wondering soul. this is a question where I spent a lot of time thinking about.
the question popped for the first time up in my in my teens but back then I was considered the freak already and not ready for any kind of relationship at all and tbh I couldn’t handle the thought of having anything to”invite”people to bully me any more. so I just pushed it out of my mind completely. was this wrong? I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter I think, it was what I did and what all I could do at that time. I started really wondering again about a year and a half ago and not long after I that I made a decision to not close myself to the possibility that the love of my life can also turn out to be a women. I kinda kept silent about that because I was not sure about anything. the problem with labels is that they are often got up with super-glue, quite permanent stuck to you. people like labels its nice and clear but truth is often far more complicated then that. there also is that nasty tweet again, there are also people like that around and I was and am really aware of that, how could I defend something I am not even sure off ? well now I know I can defend my right to love anyone I damn will like.
anyway, to make a long story not to much more longer when the direct and clear question came up I couldn’t deny that I do feel attracted to women and that saying that I am purely heterosexual would be a lie, so I said no. the next question is of course but what are you then ?? well my answer to that was and is this: I can’t give a absolute answer. but atm I think I am at least bi and perhaps even gay. that’s it as unclear and complex as it is.
the practical difference is that I am now more openly not dating more people, my troubles with relations and all that are exactly the same as before. I am still doubting I ever fall in love or can handle a relationship like that. as to telling family, friends, I cross that road when I come to it. when I think I need to tell I will, I know that my family will be happy for me no matter who I take home, tbh they will be glad I take anyone home with me, I know the friends that matter to me are fine with it. and the rest, I really shouldn’t care about what they think.