the Oxford experience

The day before we leave our save home and go out to England, a land long dreamed about. Swooned over the “cute” accents and good manners. This are of course stereotypes but please England don’t disappoint me.

In the train rolling away to Schiphol, of course I am nervous and all. This is a very big step for me or rather a lot of big steps together. So far I am not panicking and for my travel companion I hope that it will stay that way.

Waiting always takes too long, we left early to prevent to come late do to some on overseen delay but now we are waiting on the plane. I have to amid I am somewhat (understatement) nervous. I aspect boarding is going to be a nightmare but I suppose I will just have to bite through.

Oh dear, I am really getting anxious now, friend is gone on a bathroom break (nature called) so I have some time on my own. Struggling to write readable and have some trouble with spelling (corrected later). I hope that with the flight over that will be it, and the worse of this trip also over.

If I believed in that sort of things I would be praying not only for a save flight but also for me to stay calm because air planes and panic attacks don’t mix.

In the air, take off was a nightmare but once in the air its not so bad, it seems so unrealistic that its no longer that freighting. I am still shaking somewhat but it could have been a lot worse. The clouds outside form a strange looking landscape, almost like snow. It looks soft, I love to lie in it.

We are now in our hotel, I am quite tired. It was a long day but it went better then I expected. Although I was frightened in the plane and the whole thing has taken quite something out of me its all not that bad. We went for pizza in a little place in town where we came from Heathrow by bus. The bus driver was really nice and made sure we didn’t miss any stop (btw I got the bus tickets and he understood me perfectly on the first try, that doesn’t even happen in NL). We went to the Hotel by taxi what was also very easy. Oh and we squeed when we saw the Eurobar Hotel because we knew that would be fluffy central saturday.

God I am really tired.

Its 13:19 saturday, we are in the hotel.

Tonight is the BIG night, meeting Stephen Fry ! It was Hugh Laurie who mentioned that we sometimes expect so much from some people or places that the real thing can only disappoint, please don’t let this be the case.

This morning/afternoon we walked to the local supermarket and found something quite lovely : Fry’s Hill, a street name where we melted by, after that followed fry’s Hill Park and Fry’s court. I think I want to live here please 😉

mood: anxious, with moments of excitement irritation and just plain crappyness. I am also beginning to suspect that I am not meant to life with people for a long time, its a lot to deal with.

OMLP I will see/meet HIM, HELP!

Here is where the notes end, because after that afternoon/evening I didn’t feel like writing anything any more. But I will continue from memory from here. I am leaving names out to respect privacy.

round 3 ish we met our first fluffette, I was unconverted but my friend seemed to know what to say to it was all fine, I would probably been better at saying stuff if our end goal didn’t scare the shit out of me. Tbh social interaction isn’t my strong point especially when I meet people for the first time but somehow I hoped it would be a lot better because we ‘talked” all the time on-line. Together we would take a cab to town to meet up with the others. We ended up meeting a lot of them in fluffy central, there was some hugging involved and but even tho I am not the hugging type I real life I didn’t mind it at all ( later I even enjoyed it but I will get there in time). It was all quite well and everyone was very sweet, I was just distracted by fears for what to come. We got our tickets from one fluffette (who I am very grateful for getting them for me and my friend) and our book from the store. The friendly bookshop guy pointed nicely out to us all that there where signed copies for the same prize on which we could blissfully answer; we will get it signed tonight but thanks anyway.

Before the show we went to eat something, that is the rest eat something and I had tea. I couldn’t even think about eating because I was very anxious. During the dinner I did my level best at pleasant conversation but it probably was more then clear that I wasn’t at ease with it all.

After a while I excused myself to the bathroom, as soon as I was alone (as often is the case) my lurking panic-attack started to kick in. it was quite a bad one and soon I couldn’t hold myself standing any more. So there I was sitting on the floor trying to catch a breath and hoping its all worth it in the end. After a while I managed to calm myself and return to the rest (I didn’t mention the panic-attack because I didn’t want them to worry and I was just embarrassed)

we got in line and into the theatre where we waited for some others to go in together. The tension, excitement and fear just was again to much for me and I broke down again, this time in public and tears, I did my level best to control myself but it was no use and there I was sobbing like a little child that just realist she couldn’t find her mother. The lovely ambassador of the fluffettes calmed me down again, tbh I don’t know exactly what she said any more but it worked also it helped that she said it in a very calming voice (thank you very much dear).

When I sat there and watched stephen fry in real life before me (really close by) it was more or less like the plane in the air, so unreal but in a lovely way. I smiled until the end.

After the show THE book signing where we all been waiting for. I was also frightened for that of course and tbh I kinda wanted to get away from it but suspected that the others and my friend wouldn’t take kindly to that and I came for this so I had to stay in line. I met a few others in line and my friend kept them well entertained while I was just trying to get trough it all.

My turn came up, I refused to give the present to him (my friend had to do it) I didn’t talk to him at all end just took my book and left. There was some talk about a photo taken after it all, our ambassador would try to get him to agree to a photo with all of us together and we got it, I got that photo as a background to my laptop. Its lovely to see all the fluffettes with there hero and its wonderful to see so little of me (as I often can’t stand to look at myself) but enough to realise I was really there.

After all this we went back to fluffy central to have to drinks to celebrate, I kept there mostly to myself as I was very tired from it all and I don’t do well in groups so why would this time be any different. They had to call us to go about 3 times because we were busy with saying goodbye to one other. There where hugs all around and I got the best hug ever from a very sweet girl (you know who you are ;))

back at the hotel I felt dreadful, I blame mostly the lack of sleep and dinner. I slept some hours but woke early again feeling like crap. There was nothing else I could do but cry but why ?

Well, I was very disappointed and it took me a while to pinpoint where this feeling came from.

I was horribly disappointed in me and who could blame me ? I went on this trip to meet my hero and I didn’t say a word. I also feared that the others wouldn’t like me any more now they met me, I felt like a failure. This all was completely blown out of any proportion because I didn’t have a drop of energy left in my body or mind, it all had been too much to handle.

That afternoon we went to Oxford caught up with as many fluffette as we could (I felt a bit better at that time) before taking the bus again to Heathrow. The flight back went better then the one before and I was quite pleased with that. Then we stopped to have some coffee, while my friend was powdering her nose I had again a panic-attack which made little sense since all the scary things where over. I suspect it was the total exhaustion and the fact that I wasn’t all nice to my dear friend on the way back. ( I am grateful she forgave me for that).

I realise this sounds very grim but I did had a quite a good time and have no regrets about going. there was a lot of good as well, the people where very lovely and sweet. and seeing Stephen was something I just had to do, now I can die in peace (just kidding)

Again thank you all for being there for me ❤

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