the word miracle was once beautiful and pure but now it just reminds me of the sin, the lie and the death it caused. I kept silent all these years but now the end is near I write to all who care to listen.
I want to tell the truth, not in hope to be forgiven but because the world deserves the truth.
I was young but my future was secure for I was promised to a kind-hearted and hard-working carpenter, I was convinced that this man would be good for me and thanked the lord every evening for sending him to me. The night my dream died was a clear but cold one, my soon to be husband was out helping his elderly father and would not return till the next day.
I walked back to my house from the garden wherein I had been working by the moonlight. I didn’t see him approach, he just there, standing behind me. It all happened so fast, maybe I could have fought maybe I could have screamed but fear paralysed me and I did nothing. After he left, I laid there for a few hours, fear and pain is all I remember from that time.
I didn’t tell Joseph when he got home, when I didn’t have the strength to get out of bed the following days I told him I was feeling ill and he trusted my word.
Two moons after that night a second horror struck me, I could no longer deny that I was with child. I knew that it would soon begin to show and I was desperate, what could I tell Joseph? We where not married yet and he was a man that wouldn’t do anything against the will of god. Of one thing I was sure, I couldn’t tell him the truth, he would reject me and I would have been an outcast, left with the burden of raising a bastard, my sin would have condemned us both.
I walked for hours, trying to find a way out. I prayed for answers but there came non.
It pains me to admit that in those darkened days I have considered the sin of suicide but the innocent life inside of me forced me to go on, a new soul that didn’t deserve eternal fire before it had a change to breath air. It was on one of these walks that the plan was born, it was just a thought crossing my mind as many did then “this life is sent by god and for god I’ll keep it save” sent by God echoed a soft voice in my head. I took two days to work out my story, my heart ached the whole time wile I prepared my lie.
After our evening meal I went for a walk and didn’t return until the sun was down. The last 200 meters I ran back home and as soon I was back in the room I fell into my fiancee’s arms, crying. Consern must have filled his heart because his voice broke when he asked what was wrong?
Now I finally had aloud myself to cry openly I found it hard to stop or even slow down to tell him my lie. My sobbing and inability to speak frightend Joshep, so I gethered all my strength and said: I’ve met an Engel, I’ve been chosen. After that I contimeud crying, I don’t know how long I have laid on the floor with my head resting on his lap. When I told him the rest of the story he just listened without uttering a word until I was done. He lifted my head and smiled, such a warm and loving smile that it split my heart in two. The only thing he said about it that night was “we are blessed, the good lord choose us for the greatest task,we have been blesssed my Mary”
the word about our “miracle” spead fast and soon even kings had heard about it, the story got a life of his own and the lie was easy to hold up, almost as if the truth never had been.
the birth of my son was under less then perfect condicions but my son and I where healthy and that was all that mattered to me.
Jesus was a bright, sweet boy and we educated him in the word of the lord. I loved him with whole my heart and through the years I almost forgot the truth myself, the lie was just easier to live with.
Jesus took his task very serieus and when off preatching, he spoke of love and the goodness of the lord, I didn’t see any harm in it until it was too late. The story about what happened to my son is well known and every single day I wish it ended differently, at the feet of his cross I prayed to him, to be forgiven. I knew the lord wouldn’t forgive my lie and that Jesus death was my punnishment,I could have well nailed him on that cross myself. I just pray that my son would have known and understood once he entered through the gates of heaven and forgiven me. I keeped my silence, all these years I kept my silence and the truth has been eating at my soul ever since.