born this way? conversions of a fraud

have seen Glee’s born this way ep (its great) and it made me realize that I am really not living the glee-way of loving yourself and being yourself. (something I do believe in) I am simply not brave enough to come out of those closets and say hey this is me, deal with it! maybe it is because I am not completely sure about who that is myself but I know its not who I’m pretending I am. I don’t kid myself, I am pretty sure I am not seen as just like everyone else but that doesn’t stop me from trying to be just that. my heart and mind say: its fine to be different. but my actions and silence say I am ashamed of who I am. for that I hate myself.  I still let everyone believe that I am as straight as I don’t know what, even tho I know I am attracted  to women. I’m not sure if I am a lesbian or bisexual but I know I’m not straight. even writing it down is still a bit nerving, not sure why, maybe because its so final even though I say with it that I’m still confused? I wouldn’t dare even suggesting anything like it at work, I know that they won’t ever let it go and I can’t handle being bullied again, in any way.

the other closet is that I’m autistic, this is something I am very sure off. not just because I have a diagnoses (pdd-nos) but mostly because the more I learned about it the more I recognized myself in it. even my “charming” moods are explained. my family and friends know about this but the place where I spent a lot of my time, work I haven’t said a word about it. I am afraid of how they will look at me, treat me if they know. I am sure I wouldn’t have had a job if it would have been on my CV, so I am afraid that I will lose my job if they know. this makes me feel bad because its a big part of what makes me me and I hate not being honest about it.

these 2 big things aren’t the only things that make me feel like a fraud, even here online I seem to be seen as someone I’m not. someone great, always friendly incapable of anything bad. is that who I’m pretending to be ? someone beyond unkindness? a fluffy little penguin without a bad thought in her mind? not human? because that is what that means.

As any fraud, I live in fear, fear of being found out. of people seeing the true me and being disappointed by what they see. they would walk away because no one likes a fake. I am afraid for the direct questions because my facial expression will give the answer: guilty.


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