its not a choice !

every-single-time someone tells me something like: cheer up or give us a smile, I get annoyed same goes with just let it go and don’t let it get to you. I get annoyed because those phrases give the impression that being sad and getting hurt is a choice but who would choose to feel bad ?

when people say this they mean it well, I know that and that is why I am saying here and now: its not helping, it can even make me feel worse. the suggestion that one can simply choose to feel better is not much better then saying that its ones own fault that you feel bad in the first place.

bad days happen, one can feel like shit for no particular reason and that isn’t under once control. my hero Stephen Fry explained this briljantly with the weather matafor for once emotions: “It’s real. You can’t change it by wishing it away. If it’s dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can’t alter it”

it someone says something hurtful then one gets hurt, how much one gets hurt is something personal. it has to do with once personality and experiences or a combination of those can make one more sensitive to a specific comment or just make one generally sensitive.  maybe you are a person that isn’t all that sensitive, you just take a deep breath and put it behind you, good for you, really but that doesn’t mean that everyone is like that, not for everyone its all that simple.

before this post you didn’t know any better, you thought you where being helpful and you intentions where good (I value a lot on good intentions) but now you do and I trust that you will act on this and never suggest again that feeling well is just a question of attitude.



2 responses to “its not a choice !

  1. Francine Melcher

    You are completely right & I understand completely how you feel about this! I have had the same thoughts. And I hope I have never said those words to you! If I ever do please call me on it! Thank you, Francineshounds

  2. In a way I very much agree with you – that it’s not your choice (or anyone’s really) to be sad or get hurt and I understand that it can make you feel even worse when people say something like that.
    On the other hand I don’t think people necessarily want to imply that you choose to be sad or that it’s your own fault. It’s sometimes just something you say.
    When I tell someone “don’t let it get to you”, I just want to let them know that I care how they feel and want to reassure them that I’m on their side. Sometimes I just want to say something so the person recognises I noticed that he or she’s feeling bad and that I’m sorry about that. And I guess then I sometimes use phrases like “cheer up”. Maybe that’s because it helps me a lot when someone sees when I’m feeling bad. I’m very good at hiding that and then I get angry at everyone for not noticing (though they really couldn’t) and feel like the least loved person in the world. It’s a big deal when someone says just anything, I feel less lonely then, important enough for someone to take a closer look.
    Anyway, obviously I’ll try to respect that you don’t want to hear those things 🙂 But I might say something anyway – then please just tell me.
    And, I don’t know, maybe it helps you to know that sometimes people don’t put that much thought in what they’re saying and don’t mean it literally. Of course you can say I *should* think more and probably you’re right. Still the fact remains that I simply don’t want to imply that you have a choice.
    I hope I didn’t upset you, I don’t think I did. I just wanted to explain my point of view.
    Andrea xxx

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