my dear old friend…the end

Trigger warning: talk about suicide, only read it if your in a good state of mind, if you think you might be triggered please stop reading because I want to express myself but not harm anyone in anyway.

yeah that title is from the song (its a good song) but it fits the post so I stole it. I haven’t been well for quite a wile and now and it just got quite some worse as I am in realistic danger of losing my job. the company for whom I work is in trouble and has to cut in staff, this week I will hear if I am one of those people that have to go but I would be very surprised if I’m not, nothing personal against me but I am just in the group of people that is least needed at this time. more personally I am not perfect, not even close to it. as many of you know I am autistic (pdd-nos)  and that asks for some tolerance and understanding from the people I work with, something that not everyone is willing or able to give.

I worked there for a bit over two and a half years and it hasn’t been easy, its been a struggle, day after day its so hard to do the job right, fast enough, be nice to everyone, don’t show frustrations too much, react correctly on every situation and failing at all of it most of the time.  for all this hard work the reward is to be aloud to fight another day and that is what I have been doing because the alternative is worse. a job is more then a pay-check, for me its something to literally get up for in the morning, its something to do with my day and its a way to keep in touch with the human race. without a job I will become socially isolated and will just washed away on the sofa.

so, get a new job ! well staring over is very difficult and it just doesn’t seem worth it any more. I also know that not everyone will be as tolerant to my differentness, so new jobs can become very short if I get one at all. the world economy is what it is and the Dutch one isn’t much better so employers have enough choice, for me there will be ten others that can handle themselves in a conversation or is depressed most of the time.

as I said I haven’t been well for a wile, I am tired of the struggle and frustrations and feeling like crap most of the time. I am also tired of being alone, I mean people on-line are great and understanding but they are not really with me, sometimes you need to feel some arms around you. I can’t talk to my family and my friends are just for fun. its harsh I know but I have been there for them always and will be how long I can but I know I shouldn’t expect the same from them, they do there best but they can’t change themselves more then I can.

I feel that my life is slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do but watch it happen. in the past I have tried to get help but its all so difficult and have been told more then once that they can’t help, not sure anyone can. when I feel badly I can’t help but to feel like I don’t belong in this world and that no one really wants me here. I have thought about suicide, quite a lot. thinking is a world away from doing and it is different then my depressed time as a teenager, back then I could think of little else then ending it all but I didn’t do anything. I know its not right to kill myself but on the other hand is living just because one has to right ? the end has often seemed like a sweet relieve, lately I seemed to want to rush to it.

my greatest dream got crushed by my mother, I mentioned that I could be a writer if I lost my job, she just said I am not talented enough and of course she is right, I am not. its sweet of others to claim I am but there are many writers and only the best get read. I dream away too much, sometimes its hard to keep what’s real apart from the dream. its nice to imagine that I am special and not in a bad way for once but I am not. its hard to face reality but I guess its the all grown up thing to do, I hate it. but reality says its a nice hobby but don’t you fool yourself into believing it could be more then that.

I can predict the comments that will come, I know many will be very well meant but also very unhelpful. get help, I tell people all the time and if I really have to I will I promise. cheer up is just not possible. and remember that you don’t know my life, so you probably don’t know how to fix it. please don’t judge me or tell me that god loves me or Jesus can save me. I am almost asking not to comment at all I know but there just are not any easy answers to this all, if there where, I would have done it a long time ago.

thank you for reading all this and congratulations for coming to the end of my monster-post 🙂

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