new year, new start and the story so far

let me start with wishing all of you a very happy new year 🙂

I have been quiet quite a wile, my deepest apologies for breaking that silence now 😉 the main reason for my silence is that I haven’t been well for some time, I have been quite depressed and that isn’t a good writing mood.  my depression had a effect on my whole life and that gave more problems. one of the problems it gave where work-related and bosses had enough just before the holidays (I must say that I had been very unpleasant for the last weeks before that) and had a kind of intervention with me. they just stated what the problems where and what they wanted that I changed, they even offered to help in form of monthly talks with them. I was mostly angry because I felt trapped and powerless to change those things and at the time I did not hear the kindness that it probably had I just heard what I already believed, that I was not good enough and if I wasn’t going to be better then I would be sent off. I also heard that others where effected by my mood in a negative way and that hurt me deeply because I never want to hurt anyone and again felt powerless to change. I had a few days before Xmas free from work and those days where hard, the message that I hurt everyone with my bad mood still haunted me and I just wanted to hide away but also didn’t want to be alone so I spent a lot of time with family and the evening before Xmas I went out and saw a film, I hadn’t eaten that day and did drink some witch had as result that I was intoxicated rather quick. that evening I hit quite a low and I will spare you the details but it wasn’t anything nice (did luckily get through it without serious harm). the next day was Xmas and I went to my parents for the day, when I am with others especially with people I know well, I can be okay or at least fake my way through it and then when I am alone I crash again. all was right until there was alcohol and I started drinking, I didn’t stop at a glass or two but drank half a bottle in about an hour, after that I went home too drunk to really walk a line but I pretended to be well enough to my parents, otherwise they wouldn’t have let me go. at home I went to bed and tweeted some stuff, including what I had been up to the evening before (for witch I am truly sorry). when I sobered up I realized that something had to change for me, otherwise I would end up hurting everyone a lot more, I decidede to finally get some help and promised to myself that I would call my GP after Xmas. I surprised myself with doing just that, it was very hard to do I called about 15 times before I stayed on the line and spoke to the assistant to make a appointment and I even managed to say for what I would be there, one simple line: I think I am depressed. its soo hard to say because its so loaded with emotion and fear of what the other might think. the reason I did say it was because I know myself quite well, I knew I would be terrified and very likely unable to speak at the appointment self. that is exactly what happened and because I did say that single sentence on the phone the doctor knew why I was there and wasn’t going to sent me away without some help.the help came in form of some pills, one pill a day, simple. well it wasn’t simple, the side-effects made me want to quit at several occasions but with help of a very good friend (you know who you are, yes I mean you, really) I got through it and they do help, I feel a lot less low and not so frightened any more. I didn’t think that it was possible tbh but now I have good hopes that all can be okay and I can feel okay for longer then maybe a few weeks.

Stephen fry said that moods are as the weather, when it rains it rains, its real and no one can control it and that is true, I just got myself a umbrella to keep me dry.

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