hang me for I am ill

I write this knowing that I will be judged for all I say, for the views I give and for how I feel. was I naive to think that now that I am diagnosed with a recognized illness that people would show more understanding? since I am diagnosed with depression I notice really that people don’t understand and worse don’t really care. my boss just wants that I go with excitement to work but I can’t make him understand that if I am feeling low I have no excitement for anything, so also not for work. I find it also strange to learn that enjoyment is not just a wish but a demand, how can one demand enjoyment ? the thing that seems very difficult to understand is that once feelings can be completely out of you own control. I have known this for so long that I find it hard to get that its so difficult to understand for others who never experienced such a thing. but you don’t have to completely understand it to accept it as something real. its at this moment a reality where I have to deal with and that is difficult. my situation is being complicated even more by the fact that I am autistic, also with this I have to deal with people who simply don’t understand me but also don’t try because they see me as abnormal. an abnormal who just need to adapt to the rest of the world, well I tried, all my life I have tried and failed to match all the expectations of the world.  I get that people don’t understand me and even though that makes me feel incredibly alone in this world I get it. but that I am being judged for how I feel, being told to change what I can’t change to save my job, that is one thing I have a problem with, you wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to hurry up and get those tumours under control or you will be fired, no you tell them to take there time and hope you get better soon and take care of yourself.  because we all knows that cancer is not once fault and its deadly if its not treated properly.  I have some news: depression is also not once fault, not in once control and deadly if not treated properly. ever since I have been openly about my illness and autism at work I am being avoided like the plague, people stopped speaking to me. I have been told to get happy soon and over and over and over how hard it all has been for everyone except me. my illness has been treated like its been a contuse choice. this attitude doesn’t stop with my co-workers, also the government has taken on a policy that gives the signal that people with a mental illness just moan. and disabled people who are work-less because employers don’t want them are being treated as if they are just to lazy to work and systems that are made to help people are being cut down. they make me feel worthless for being less able to work and all those who simply can’t work. this afternoon I cried at a political debate because the people who run this country at the moment is putting those with a disability or mental illness away as just a burden, that hurts a lot. my treatment isn’t going as smoothly as I hoped and that is very frustrating, it also gives many questions like will something else help me? and its the nature of this illness that makes setbacks like this very hard to deal with and can make you feel hopeless. so you might understand that I express my frustration at times but I never thought I would be judged for that, again I find myself comparing it with a cancer patient, everyone understands that its very frustrating if certain medication are not working nut I am being told not to complain and that I can’t express my frustration because that would somehow not be respectful to the doctor or society that pays so much for my treatment. does that sound fair? all I ask for is time and space to fight for my life and if that is too much then I can’t live.

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