A rocky road: fighting my depression

I just read the post I wrote in the beginning of this year….goodness was I hopeful, well that wore off rather quick. I had about 2-3 good weeks and then it all turned south again. as I felt depressed again and stayed that way, I went back to the doctor and after incising my dose of antidepressants twice I was being referred to a psychiatrist. the intake was overwhelming, to talk about things I usually didn’t discuss was difficult and a lot to deal with. after my diagnoses of depression was confirmed and  another appointment was made to go back to the psychiatrist and to a psychiatric nurse to talk to. and there I was, standing outside the office with an appointment in 3 weeks. I was emotionally drained and overwhelmed and angry for some reason but my instincts where to run. so as soon as I was at work I called to cancel the appointments I just made, that didn’t go as easy as I had thought it would. I wasn’t being let go without a talk with a doctor and when she called back she really was of the opinion that I really shouldn’t stop seeing them, that I needed someone to help me ( what I said in the intake must have had an impression) she shut down all my bullshit reasons for not going through with it and convinced me to think it over some more. thinking I did and came to the conclusion that I might as well give it all a try.

the psychiatric nurse tuned out to be quite nice to talk to and the doctor appointments I can also deal with (not liking it tho) as I don’t feel better on these meds (starting to wonder if those 2-3 weeks where something called a placebo-effect) we decided to try something else. there are many different kind of anti-depressants and they don’t all work for everyone, so if one doesn’t do the trick another might. it does make me feel a bit like a lab-rat and i have wondered quite a few times if they knew what they where doing, I mean “lets just give it a go” doesn’t sound like a very scientific method or at least not one you should be doing with humans but I have no other choice in the matter.

the thing with antidepressants is one can’t just go on and off them, when you want on them you start with a small dose then step by step incise it until max or you feel better, when you go off its the same story only backwards. this makes switching a very slow process and depression makes it feel like forever until it all gets maybe better. I am now almost off my old ones but when I start my new meds it doesn’t mean that I will feel better, antidepressants start working after 2 to 4 weeks of taking them but the side-effects (you just feel ill) are the worst in the beginning as your body is all wtf is this. so I have still quit a way to go.

this should stop you from taking medication, its a pain to face it all but its also the best shot I’ve got on getting better. that is why it doesn’t stop me from taking them, I have very little to lose at this moment so all I can do is win. btw if you are in the medical profession and want to make some cash, try to make an antidepressant that works instantly and you will never have to work again 😉

so that was about it I think, congrats you’ve made it to the end

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