the dark and me

many don’t understand what depression is like or how bad it can get and I understand that its hard to get if you are fortunate enough that you never suffered from it. I will try to explain what its like for me.

its like I enter a different world, one without light or hope. all I do is pointless and days become endless. I am in this world forever alone, no one sees my pain and no one can reach me. joy does not exist here nor does love in a way, I mean I do love others but can’t believe anyone in the world could ever love me. once I entered this world it seems perfectly logical that I am here, of course joy is taken from me because I never deserved it in the first place, this is my fate. there are moments when my mind can be distracted from the pain but there are also moments when all I can do is feel it. the bad moments are like I am in a small room in a upper-floor of a high building, the room has one big window and there is a fire burning on the other side, I know jumping through the window will certainly kill me but I just have to get away from the fire. this is probably how I will die, just trying to get away from the fire in my mind.

in the dark days I get busy planning, not my life but my death. I find clarity and rest in the certainty of death, there’s no need to worry about the endless future ahead because I can end it quite easily. I romanises and glorify death, it seems best for everyone that I go.  never got that far tho, somehow always end up saving myself.

 

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