Tag Archives: contact

Relationships and me.

I often find it difficult to deal with other people, even tho I do like to be around them, I suppose this makes me often lonely. 

meeting new people

I have always found it very difficult to make that first connection, I never quite figured out how to do that and the uncertainty makes it quite scary as well.
If someone greets me I will respond but unless I really know the person I won’t be the one that says hello first. I have learned that because I am frightened at those first meetings that my body-language and behavior doesn’t invite people to try to connect with me. So I could go to a bar or something to meet people but I would be at the end of the evening probably still alone because I can’t do the meeting thing. When I have to meet someone new (for work or something else) its very frighting because I am never sure what to expect and what will be expected of me. I am very aware of the fact that I am not very good at it and that some people won’t respond well to my social clumsiness what makes it terrifying.

Social interaction

there are too many social rules and they are in a state of constant flux, every time I think I figured it out they change. I don’t see the point of many things and just do it because I have to. Giving of hands, shallow conversations, I do them because you are suppose to but I don’t really see the point. Its not only playing the game without knowing the rules but also without really knowing why you are playing in the first place.
I don’t look at people when I speak to them, there is something about another persons stare that feels threatening. Most people see my avoidance of eye contact as disinterest or even as being rude, I have had even health care professionals who knew about my autism ask if I could please look at them when they where talking, I can’t.
When it comes to socializing I like to stick with the people I know because I can mostly predict how they react and they know my difficulties.

friends

I have a few friends, never had many because its hard to make friends and maintain them.
Finding the right balance of contact is a challenge, because I don’t have many friends I tend to too much and that can be annoying for the other person but contacting another after a longer while can feel like a first contact and is difficult.
Especially in the past I had the other setting all the rules of friendship because I had no idea what they would be and if I could ask for anything without upsetting the other. Now I am learning to let others know what I need and experiencing that its okay to do that.
The fiends I do have are very important to me and I care very much about them, theres not much I wouldn’t do to help a friend out.

Love

I fell in love once, or better said I allowed myself to fall in love that one time. I have liked others but always was too frightened of making myself vulnerable that I would deny myself the chance. I just virtually ran the other way when anyone came too close.
The one romantic relationship I had was lovely but also difficult, its hard to know if what I did was right and I had a strong fear of messing up. I also found the emotional side of such a relationship hard to deal with, its illogical and overwhelming, for me it was surprising that I could feel such a way for someone especially someone that I knew relatively for a short time. I couldn’t say if I would try it again tho as the ending of it shattered my heart.

 

Coworkers and bosses

I have worked for about 4 years at one company and it had its ups and downs.
I have good days and bad days, on the good days I can be chatty and quite pleasant to be with, on the bad days my social skills go south and I isolate myself.
The production manager wasn’t a fan of me and I didn’t like him either, we where two people from a different world who couldn’t understand one other no matter how much we tried. That I think in a different way caused conflict every now and then, I am not good in conflict situations it makes me rather nervous and upset, I usually walk away or try to smooth it over as soon as I can. With my coworkers I had another problem and that was surprisingly enough my good behavior, I always was first to offer to work longer or in weekends, I really tried to do the best I could at everything, I did it so well that often I was made an example to follow for the rest, they did not like that I made them look bad.
We started as a group with mainly man but in the years the number of women overtook the man and that was noticeable for me. Its not that I have anything against women its just that a group of women interact in a different way, they often don’t say what they mean and you have to hear from someone else if they don’t like something you did. I have a problem with that kind of interaction as I never know where I stand and it makes me highly insecure also I am incapable of playing those games.
I no longer work, I just couldn’t work there anymore as a lot has happened there when I became ill, I hope I can get another job but my difficulties make this hard too.

Health care professionals

as a child I use to have a near pathological fear of doctors, dentist and others alike. Its not that something horrible has happened to me, with doctors and alike the fear was mainly that I was expected to speak, to explain what I felt and my incapability to do so. Dentist are a different kind of fear, that is the possibility of pain that terrified me. Now I am older its better but still I am not quite comfortable around these people.
This made that I was rarely to be found at the doctors office and only when I really had to, I was until a few years ago always accompanied by a parent, I just couldn’t go alone and didn’t want to try either. Then a mental health crisis left me little choice other then to seek help. You can probably understand that seeking help for a mental health problem was very difficult as it involves talking about emotional feelings, it made me feel vulnerable and insecure as I never know if I’m making any sense.
I still see a therapist every week but after more then a year I still can’t quite define our relationship, I would have said friendship if it didn’t lack a certain balance. Its all about me in those hours and even tho I do care for her it doesn’t seem right to ask her how she is doing for instance. I really need her to set the rules and boundaries and even to let me know if I threaten to cross them because I just don’t know otherwise.
I also see the psychiatrist but just once every few months and that makes that I am far less comfortable to talk with him, he knows and accepts that. I do like the matter of fact way we can talk about serious topics, its easier when the other doesn’t make a big fuss over it.