Tag Archives: depression.

recovery

I want to talk about recovery because I noticed that I changed the way I think about this, I think the new way I think about it is more realistic and helpful for me.

for those who don’t know I have autism (pdd-nos) and suffer from depressions and anxieties. I use to think that recovery would was about eliminating bad moments anymore but now I think its about being okay despite the bad moments. if I would be recovered when I didn’t got sad or afraid anymore I would wait till hell froze over because I realise that, that isn’t going to happen. I can’t be cured, there is no cure for autism and I always be vulnerable for my mental health problems but I can recover.
I am on the road of recovery as we speak, I have and am learning how to be okay in the good and especially in bad times. recovery for me is also about learning what things I can make better and what I will have to live with and learning to accept that I will have to live with them. I now have a much better understanding of my problems and look more at how I can deal with them other then trying to eliminate them completely, this way I am less stressed and even happier.

Suicide: choice or tragedy ?

trigger warning: I openly talk about suicide in this post, if this is triggering or upsetting you stop reading, take care of yourself.  

As I struggled with depression the option of ending my own life has entered my mind many times. I always thought of it as a choice that I could make if things got too bad, it was my life after all.

But now my depression has lifted for the time being I can’t help but to wonder how free that choice would have been, would it have really been my choice or was it only the illness? I am not a professional so I have only my own experiences to guide me to an answer

 as I said I often considered suicide and even at times started to plan. I approached it quite logical and even tho the reasoning behind it was purely emotional, I was under the impression that I was thinking clear about the subject.

One of the considerations is: if I have the right to make such a decision, then so does anyone else and what if someone I love wants to end his/her life ? . When it comes to the life of the people I care about I am very unwilling to let them go, no matter how much they may want to. Its selfish but I couldn’t deal with the pain of losing someone. I am also much more positive when it comes to others, I think there’s a lot that can be overcome and that there is a better day coming for them. I will fight for a perfect strangers life more then my own because I can see the light for them but not for myself. If I won’t allow anyone else to go when they want to then why should I be allowed ? What makes me so special?

When I hear people talk about suicide then the first thing they often say is that its selfish and with that I don’t agree, it doesn’t have to be. I often don’t get in danger until I find that my loved ones are better off without me. When I am dead surely they would be upset for a wile but then they can morn me and move on, if I stay then they are hurt time and time again by seeing me in such pain. This is the way I reason when I am very depressed and from that reasoning it isn’t a selfish thing to do.

The thing is, I reason that way only when I am very depressed, at other times I don’t think that way. So, is that reasoning a symptom of my depression? Many will say it is, I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I change my mind on the subject too often to make such a big decision. If I would feel this way for a very long time without break then I would say yes, I can decide to go but until then my answer is no.

The arguments above are intellectual exercises but the one time I tried to kill myself it was far from an intellectual decision, it was pure panic that drove me that morning. I had been feeling very depressed for a wile and was getting quite fed up with feeling so badly. The Friday before I had checked myself into mental hospital, only to check myself out again the next day because the change of environment was too much to handle. The psychiatrist that released me wasn’t happy about it because I was clearly not doing well but without an clear indication that I was going to hurt myself or anyone else there was nothing he could do.

That weekend was full of high and lows, I was very unstable and I was just trying to get through the days as well as I could. Monday I went back to work and pretended that nothing was wrong but I was mostly just kidding myself. On Tuesday I decided I really needed some kind of help, so I called to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but got told that I could come the following week.

I was disappointed but also desperate, a week seemed like forever and impossible to cross. I needed help right that minute but couldn’t express that to the person I talked to.

On that moment it was perfectly clear for me that I couldn’t go on another day, it was that absolute. I was in such emotional distress that the only thing I could think off was that I had to escape, no matter how. I needed a way out and I only saw one way, suicide.

I took a x number of my anti-depressants and as soon as I done so, I was calm. It’s a horrible thing to say but it felt like it was okay. I waited a wile for something to happen but nothing did. Took a few more and waited again but nothing. I scribbled down sorry on a piece of paper, in the past I had written whole letters to different people but the only thing I could think of this time was sorry. After a couple more minutes still nothing happened so I decided to make myself ready for work. Looking back I realize that’s a weird thing to do when you just tried to kill yourself but I guess that’s part of my autism, if things get difficult I fall back to my routine and that said that I needed to go to work, so I went. At work I was starting to get dizzy and drowsy but just went on with what I was doing until I got so dizzy that I literately couldn’t stand anymore. On the floor I hoped one last time that, that would be it but realized soon enough that I wasn’t going to die. I had alarmed my colleagues a bit but I never told them (or anyone else) what had caused my little fall. I had let my boss drive me to my parents and there I slept it off. The next two days I stayed at home because I didn’t feel very well but I kinda deserved that, in my opinion. Had asked google if a OD could cause much harm but apparently they where quite save. (looking back I realize they must have made them keeping the possibility of someone Oding in mind)

the intimidate crisis was over, I still had a very hard time but could go on from one moment to the next. It wasn’t a cry for help, if it was I would have told someone somehow what I did.

From “I can’t go on anymore” to the act itself can have been more then a few minutes in between, so you can say it was impulsive. But it certainly wasn’t the first time I wanted out, I had considered it many times over the years. It wasn’t a well thought through plan, if it was I would have been dead.

My desperate attempt is now more then a year behind me now and its going in the right direction with me, its a two steps back one forward kind of thing but at least its going forward. Haven’t seriously considered suicide for quite a while now and of course I hope I will never go down that road again.

I am taking steps to make my chances of keeping well better and to keep me safe when I do get down again. As in everything in life, there are no guarantees but do feel that I am in a better place then I was before. I am still here to tell you about it and for that I am thankful.

the dark days

first I must make clear that I never been diagnosed as depressed, this is because I never seen a doctor about it.

at the moment I am absolutely fine and I hopefully staying that way. but I haven’t always been. it started when I was about 12 years old. I was in my last year of basic school (you go there from about 4 to 12 years old) I was on a special school (because of my autism) what was fine, probably a lot better then a crowded ‘normal’ school.  it was Spring and my best friend (at that time) was getting more interested in others and in the group in general, she did invited me to join in but I just couldn’t, really couldn’t. so I stayed kinda behind, alone. this made me sad and that made me isolate myself even more. then summer break came and after that I went to another school (still a special school) during that summer break I didn’t feel any better, there was a sadness over me and I didn’t understand why.  school began and new beginnings are always hard for me, always took a wile for me to settle in. so people around me weren’t surprised that I was less cheerful then usual.

the sadness didn’t go away, it got worse and during that year I became really depressed (self-diagnosed).it was like my heart was bleeding. I really felt bad and still didn’t know why, I told myself time after time that I had a good life so there was nothing to feel bad about but that didn’t help of course.  I never spook about my feelings because I knew I couldn’t explain and thought no one would understand because how could they? I didn’t even understand.

I began to think about ending it all but there always was a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I wasn’t allowed to, I would maybe hurt someone and that would be wrong, I wasn’t worth any kind of pain I might do to others. so I didn’t (very glad about that now) but I thought about it all the time, a high building I saw myself falling from the roof. a knife, I saw myself bleeding on the ground. I was desperate for a escape from the constant pain.I drank way to much at times , just to not feel any more

this went on for about 1,5 years that I was at my worse and I was in a lesser degree depressed for about 3 years. I got out of it, don’t ask me how, I really don’t know. I began seeing the light of the other side of the tunnel again and things got slowly better by it self.  I still had hard times but these did have reasons. the transition to my last school didn’t go to well, I had problems adapting to everything new (what was a lot). between the special school and the last I did go to another normal school but that transition was easier because the way they tutored was about the same.

I still get the blues so every now and then but nothing as long or bad as then. sometimes it goes on from a couple of hours to a day or two. I have talked about it with people online who know what it’s like and that does help.