trigger warning: I openly talk about suicide in this post, if this is triggering or upsetting you stop reading, take care of yourself.
As I struggled with depression the option of ending my own life has entered my mind many times. I always thought of it as a choice that I could make if things got too bad, it was my life after all.
But now my depression has lifted for the time being I can’t help but to wonder how free that choice would have been, would it have really been my choice or was it only the illness? I am not a professional so I have only my own experiences to guide me to an answer
as I said I often considered suicide and even at times started to plan. I approached it quite logical and even tho the reasoning behind it was purely emotional, I was under the impression that I was thinking clear about the subject.
One of the considerations is: if I have the right to make such a decision, then so does anyone else and what if someone I love wants to end his/her life ? . When it comes to the life of the people I care about I am very unwilling to let them go, no matter how much they may want to. Its selfish but I couldn’t deal with the pain of losing someone. I am also much more positive when it comes to others, I think there’s a lot that can be overcome and that there is a better day coming for them. I will fight for a perfect strangers life more then my own because I can see the light for them but not for myself. If I won’t allow anyone else to go when they want to then why should I be allowed ? What makes me so special?
When I hear people talk about suicide then the first thing they often say is that its selfish and with that I don’t agree, it doesn’t have to be. I often don’t get in danger until I find that my loved ones are better off without me. When I am dead surely they would be upset for a wile but then they can morn me and move on, if I stay then they are hurt time and time again by seeing me in such pain. This is the way I reason when I am very depressed and from that reasoning it isn’t a selfish thing to do.
The thing is, I reason that way only when I am very depressed, at other times I don’t think that way. So, is that reasoning a symptom of my depression? Many will say it is, I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I change my mind on the subject too often to make such a big decision. If I would feel this way for a very long time without break then I would say yes, I can decide to go but until then my answer is no.
The arguments above are intellectual exercises but the one time I tried to kill myself it was far from an intellectual decision, it was pure panic that drove me that morning. I had been feeling very depressed for a wile and was getting quite fed up with feeling so badly. The Friday before I had checked myself into mental hospital, only to check myself out again the next day because the change of environment was too much to handle. The psychiatrist that released me wasn’t happy about it because I was clearly not doing well but without an clear indication that I was going to hurt myself or anyone else there was nothing he could do.
That weekend was full of high and lows, I was very unstable and I was just trying to get through the days as well as I could. Monday I went back to work and pretended that nothing was wrong but I was mostly just kidding myself. On Tuesday I decided I really needed some kind of help, so I called to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but got told that I could come the following week.
I was disappointed but also desperate, a week seemed like forever and impossible to cross. I needed help right that minute but couldn’t express that to the person I talked to.
On that moment it was perfectly clear for me that I couldn’t go on another day, it was that absolute. I was in such emotional distress that the only thing I could think off was that I had to escape, no matter how. I needed a way out and I only saw one way, suicide.
I took a x number of my anti-depressants and as soon as I done so, I was calm. It’s a horrible thing to say but it felt like it was okay. I waited a wile for something to happen but nothing did. Took a few more and waited again but nothing. I scribbled down sorry on a piece of paper, in the past I had written whole letters to different people but the only thing I could think of this time was sorry. After a couple more minutes still nothing happened so I decided to make myself ready for work. Looking back I realize that’s a weird thing to do when you just tried to kill yourself but I guess that’s part of my autism, if things get difficult I fall back to my routine and that said that I needed to go to work, so I went. At work I was starting to get dizzy and drowsy but just went on with what I was doing until I got so dizzy that I literately couldn’t stand anymore. On the floor I hoped one last time that, that would be it but realized soon enough that I wasn’t going to die. I had alarmed my colleagues a bit but I never told them (or anyone else) what had caused my little fall. I had let my boss drive me to my parents and there I slept it off. The next two days I stayed at home because I didn’t feel very well but I kinda deserved that, in my opinion. Had asked google if a OD could cause much harm but apparently they where quite save. (looking back I realize they must have made them keeping the possibility of someone Oding in mind)
the intimidate crisis was over, I still had a very hard time but could go on from one moment to the next. It wasn’t a cry for help, if it was I would have told someone somehow what I did.
From “I can’t go on anymore” to the act itself can have been more then a few minutes in between, so you can say it was impulsive. But it certainly wasn’t the first time I wanted out, I had considered it many times over the years. It wasn’t a well thought through plan, if it was I would have been dead.
My desperate attempt is now more then a year behind me now and its going in the right direction with me, its a two steps back one forward kind of thing but at least its going forward. Haven’t seriously considered suicide for quite a while now and of course I hope I will never go down that road again.
I am taking steps to make my chances of keeping well better and to keep me safe when I do get down again. As in everything in life, there are no guarantees but do feel that I am in a better place then I was before. I am still here to tell you about it and for that I am thankful.